Somebody on the Garden State actually had the nerve to say that the POF blogs are better than my regular ones. Like… stupid twats are more interesting than my clothes and my social life?
Never mind. That couldn’t be. Drum roll, please. This week’s seekers of Jeano’s radiance.
Dreamweaver456 is 21 and lists his occupation as ‘thrillseeker’ and his sole hobbies & interests as ‘fun loving women’. I didn’t realize not all women like ‘fun’. I sure do. Just put me in a Bloomies or a Century21 and I can have fun for hours. Days. Weeks. His email was succinct: ‘gorgeous pic xxxx’ There are four bloody pictures on there and I’m dressed in all of them. I swear.
‘Dear Dream – Tell me the truth. When you saw my picture, did you unwittingly start reciting ‘one ring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them’? If not, then could ya email Olover@pof and tell him he’s a dickweed? Thanks a whole bunch, Sweetie!’
Fitnessinst is a Dentist. Okay. He’s a fitness instructor, but dentist sounded funnier. He says: ‘Hi im a geniune guy looking to chat and then meet up and take it from there basically. I love goin away on holidays and also i love goin out whether its clubbing or for a meal and the pub. I love reggae music and rnb. I love goin gym and i also like playing rugby which is my fav sport.’ And he promises the first date will be a ‘surprize’. His email: ‘hi hun howz u’ Well, hell. He spoiled the ‘surprize’. I just assumed he was dumb; now I’m absolutely certain.
I know that I’m fussy and a bit of a snob, but SmallBoobsOnly left me speechless. ‘A lawyer living in NW London and working in the West End into boats,holidays,and slim women with small, waists, hips etc. (ideally size 6 8 or 10) not alcholics or druggies. She must be intelligent, tactile, affectionate and with a touch of class willing, if necessary, to travel to London. I am looking for somebody with whom I can share good humoured conversation, debate, culture, a glass or two of good wine, laughs and new challenges and adventures and experiences. Somebody who is fun, opinionated, generous of heart, caring and loving, confident, interacts and communicates, but lets her guard down now and then and will truly bond with passion and love to create a partnership that will last for ever. She needs to be sexy, attractive and wear great clothes.’ His email: ‘I think we could connect on many different levels’.
Golly. This is tough. Okay. ‘Sexy’. Check. ‘Attractive’. Check. ‘Wear great clothes’. I have so nailed this one! MegaCheck. My boobs are small. Many… some… a few of my clothes are size 10. Whew! I was worried.
My email: ‘Sorry but only a Jewish Dermatologist called Dr. Wolf Saperstein can get away with requirements like yours. And only if the rock is at least 10 carats.’
Igniton1979 (do you suppose he meant ‘ignition’ but didn’t know how to spell it?) had a pretty boring profile but for the first date he thought we should meet ‘some place where we could be ‘ourselfs’. He wants to meet on the third floor at Bloomingdales? Okay. If you’re sure. And his gem: : ‘wow and wow again ,you are livinmg proof that britian has got talent’
Oh come on. I had to. ‘Maybe it does, but I wouldn’t know. I’m an Italian citizen.”
Francis988 is 26. His interests are going out with his mates, football and the gym. And his profile: ‘looking for a bit of fun, meet up see what happens have a laugh, make friends. Interests including going out with mates drinking, training at the gym, footy and usual stuff.’ In case you didn’t understand it the first time. Oh! Do you like football, the gym and going out with your mates? I never even consider a man who doesn’t absolutely live for those. And for the first date: ‘see what happens’ Yeah; that works for me. How about ‘not showing up?’ His missive: ‘hope you’re having a good weekend so far – what are your plans for today? im in basingstoke so not far! danny x
‘Actually it is….light years away.
Let’s see… My plans today: (1) training at the gym; (2) footy (I’m doing the entire Tottenham Spurs team today including the water boys); (3) hanging at the pub drinking with my mates. Just an ordinary boring Sunday for me, I’m afraid.
1sexi1 says among the other inane comments in his profile that ‘im whitty’ He says his interests are sports, socializing and women. Is it just me, or do you see a pattern here? Of course, when he reaches the ripe old age of 22, perhaps he’ll expand those interests to include world hunger, global warming and hip hop music. He cautions female POF-ers in his about me section: ‘If you view my profile.. Message me, don’t be shy, or else I’ll think you viewed me and didn’t like, You don’t want to upset me now , do you .. ? :P’ His email: ‘ur sexy xxx’ I didn’t think it was possible to ever get tired of hearing a man say that. Take my word for it; I am.
Since 1sexi1 is so whitty, I’m sure he got a chuckle out of my clever, satirical reposte. ‘I viewed your profile. I didn’t like. Sorry you’re now desperately upset.’
Laira1943 is 29. He claims his interests are ‘all sorts’ which I believe is a candy. He couldn’t come up with anything to put for a first date. I guess he got brain overload writing his about me section: ‘hello one and all just looking for good friends to chat to and maybe one day to hock up for a laugh and for a drink and maybe for the odd get together and some were or over sometime hope to talk soon’
Jesus Wept! His email: ‘hi ya wow what can i say but what a wonderful woman you have lovely eyes and a lovely smile
i am peter 30 from hounslow in middlesex i am single and i am on herer looking for new friernds and maybe to find that special someone could it be you theres me wishing lol. i like most things in life i love my music and i love a good film. i like going out doing bowling, ice skating and yes im ok on skates as i have my own lol, i like going to the cinemas and the usual stuff i am quiet happy staying in and cooking a meal for my family or even taking my lady out for a meal at a local restrauant and a quiet drink. i like to go for drives and walks in the country and i like going for walks in the woods and i would love to go for a walk by the seaside on a summers sunset with the lady i love in my arms.
not sure what else to say apart from if you fancy a chat then message me back here hope to hear from you soon all the best and take care
Um…Sweetie. Did you get confused? Don’t be embarrassed; it happens to us all. And some more than others. That part where it said ‘profile’? That’s where you were supposed to put the long, rambling dissertation. That little part that started ‘hello’ should have been the email. Get it now?
My reply: ‘Sweetie…Sweetie… Sweetie… I seem to have gone off ‘Peters’ for the foreseeable future.
I never say this….
Can I please, please, please rewrite your bloody profile? And send you a few sample emails (25 crisp, concise, evocative words or less) to use in future?’
And the Turd of Camberley award winner this week is Duranz. The good news is he’s a doctor (he didn’t say what kind). The crappy news is he’s 28 and Indian. A profile from a doctor: ‘well…i am just here to look for someone interesting. thatz about. I live and work in london. been pretty busy…the usual work week….and weekends..thatz abt it. just wanted to break all the monotony. anyway yup. love indie uk bands…thatz it.’ I swear on my Paulies and SmallBoobsOnly’s Ralph Lauren’s that I didn’t make that up.
His email, though, was magic to my ears… eyes… parts of me. ‘‘Shalom. I matriculated at Johns Hopkins in Balty and did my internship and residency at Sloan-Kettering in the Big Apple whilst simultaneously revising for my Bar Mitzvah at Rodeph Zion Yeshiva.‘
Oh, for fuck’s sake! Of course I made that up. What he actually said was: ‘so ure a writer????’
I almost felt bad. My reply: ‘Yesz I am. So ure a doctor??? r u shurez???”