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All posts for the month June, 2009

THE MAILBAG

Published June 30, 2009 by jean cohen

Somebody on the Garden State actually had the nerve to say that the POF blogs are better than my regular ones.  Like…  stupid twats are more interesting than my clothes and my social life?

 

Never mind.  That couldn’t be.  Drum roll, please.  This week’s seekers of Jeano’s radiance.

 

Dreamweaver456 is 21 and lists his occupation as ‘thrillseeker’ and his sole hobbies & interests as ‘fun loving women’.  I didn’t realize not all women like ‘fun’.  I sure do.  Just put me in a Bloomies or a Century21 and I can have fun for hours.  Days.  Weeks.  His email was succinct: ‘gorgeous pic xxxx’  There are four bloody pictures on there and I’m dressed in all of them.  I swear.

 

‘Dear Dream – Tell me the truth.  When you saw my picture, did you unwittingly start reciting ‘one ring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them’?  If not, then could ya email Olover@pof and tell him he’s a dickweed?  Thanks a whole bunch, Sweetie!’

 

Fitnessinst is a Dentist. Okay.  He’s a fitness instructor, but dentist sounded funnier.   He says: ‘Hi im a geniune guy looking to chat and then meet up and take it from there basically. I love goin away on holidays and also i love goin out whether its clubbing or for a meal and the pub.  I love reggae music and rnb. I love goin gym and i also like playing rugby which is my fav sport.’  And he promises the first date will be a ‘surprize’.  His email: ‘hi hun howz u’  Well, hell.  He spoiled the ‘surprize’.  I just assumed he was dumb; now I’m absolutely certain.

 

I know that I’m fussy and a bit of a snob, but SmallBoobsOnly left me speechless.  ‘A lawyer living in NW London and working in the West End into boats,holidays,and slim women with small, waists, hips etc. (ideally size 6 8 or 10)  not alcholics or druggies. She must be intelligent, tactile, affectionate and with a touch of class willing, if necessary, to travel to London.  I am looking for somebody with whom I can share good humoured conversation, debate, culture, a glass or two of good wine, laughs and new challenges and adventures and experiences. Somebody who is fun, opinionated, generous of heart, caring and loving, confident, interacts and communicates, but lets her guard down now and then and will truly bond with passion and love to create a partnership that will last for ever. She needs to be sexy, attractive and wear great clothes.’   His email: ‘I think we could connect on many different levels’.

 

Golly.  This is tough.  Okay.  ‘Sexy’.  Check.  ‘Attractive’. Check.  ‘Wear great clothes’.  I have so nailed this one!  MegaCheck.  My boobs are small.  Many… some… a few of my clothes are size 10.  Whew!  I was worried.

 

My email:  Sorry but only a Jewish Dermatologist called Dr. Wolf Saperstein can get away with requirements like yours. And only if the rock is at least 10 carats.’

 

Igniton1979 (do you suppose he meant ‘ignition’ but didn’t know how to spell it?)  had a pretty boring profile but for the first date he thought we should meet ‘some place where we could be ‘ourselfs’.  He wants to meet on the third floor at Bloomingdales?  Okay.  If you’re sure.  And his gem: : ‘wow and wow again ,you are livinmg proof that britian has got talent’

 

Oh come on.  I had to.  ‘Maybe it does, but I wouldn’t know.  I’m an Italian citizen.”

 

Francis988 is 26.  His interests are going out with his mates, football and the gym.   And his profile: ‘looking for a bit of fun, meet up see what happens have a laugh, make friends. Interests including going out with mates drinking, training at the gym, footy and usual stuff.’  In case you didn’t understand it the first time.  Oh!  Do you like football, the gym and going out with your mates?  I never even consider a man who doesn’t absolutely live for those.  And for the first date: ‘see what happens’   Yeah; that works for me.  How about ‘not showing up?’   His missive: ‘hope you’re having a good weekend so far – what are your plans for today? im in basingstoke so not far!  danny x

 

‘Actually it is….light years away.

 

 Let’s see… My plans today:  (1) training at the gym; (2) footy (I’m doing the entire Tottenham Spurs team today including the water boys); (3) hanging at the pub drinking with my mates.  Just an ordinary boring Sunday for me, I’m afraid. 

 

You?  Discovering a cure for cancer?  Negotiating a peace treaty in Gaza?  Protesting human rights violations in Sri Lanka? Oh. The gym.  Footie. Drinking with your mates.  Quell surprise!’

 

SanaG007 lists his interests as ‘looking for women’.  In fact, that is all his profile says.  He got around filling in the various sections by just typing xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx endlessly.  ‘hi good looking nice pics. i would love to get to know u better .xx im 25’

My answer:  ‘Hi, Little Boy.  Funny.  I wouldn’t like to get to know you… at all.’

 

1sexi1 says among the other inane comments in his profile that ‘im whitty’   He says his interests are sports, socializing and women.  Is it just me, or do you see a pattern here?  Of course, when he reaches the ripe old age of 22, perhaps he’ll expand those interests to include world hunger, global warming and hip hop music.  He cautions female POF-ers  in his about me section: ‘If you view my profile.. Message me, don’t be shy, or else I’ll think you viewed me and didn’t like, You don’t want to upset me now , do you .. ? :P’   His email: ‘ur sexy xxx’   I didn’t think it was possible to ever get tired of hearing a man say that.  Take my word for it; I am.

 

Since 1sexi1 is so whitty, I’m sure he got a chuckle out of my clever, satirical reposte.  ‘I viewed your profile.  I didn’t like.  Sorry you’re now desperately upset.’

 

Laira1943 is 29.  He claims his interests are ‘all sorts’ which I believe is a candy.  He couldn’t come up with anything to put for a first date.  I guess he got brain overload writing his about me section:  ‘hello one and all just looking for good friends to chat to and maybe one day to hock up for a laugh and for a drink and maybe for the odd get together and some were or over sometime hope to talk soon’

Jesus Wept!  His email: ‘hi ya wow what can i say but what a wonderful woman you have lovely eyes and a lovely smile
i am peter 30 from hounslow in middlesex i am single and i am on herer looking for new friernds and maybe to find that special someone could it be you theres me wishing lol. i like most things in life i love my music and i love a good film. i like going out doing bowling, ice skating and yes im ok on skates as i have my own lol, i like going to the cinemas and the usual stuff i am quiet happy staying in and cooking a meal for my family or even taking my lady out for a meal at a local restrauant and a quiet drink.  i like to go for drives and walks in the country and i like going for walks in the woods and i would love to go for a walk by the seaside on a summers sunset with the lady i love in my arms.
not sure what else to say apart from if you fancy a chat then message me back here hope to hear from you soon all the best and take care
peter xxxx’

 

Um…Sweetie.  Did you get confused?  Don’t be embarrassed; it happens to us all.  And some more than others.  That part where it said ‘profile’?  That’s where you were supposed to put the long, rambling dissertation.  That little part that started ‘hello’ should have been the email.  Get it now?

 

My reply:  ‘Sweetie…Sweetie… Sweetie…  I seem to have gone off ‘Peters’ for the foreseeable future. 

 

I never say this….

 

Can I please, please, please rewrite your bloody profile?  And send you a few sample emails (25 crisp, concise, evocative words or less) to use in future?’

 

And the Turd of Camberley award winner this week is Duranz.  The good news is he’s a doctor (he didn’t say what kind).  The crappy news is he’s 28 and Indian.  A profile from a doctor: ‘well…i am just here to look for someone interesting. thatz about. I live and work in london. been pretty busy…the usual work week….and weekends..thatz abt it. just wanted to break all the monotony. anyway yup. love indie uk bands…thatz it.’  I swear on my Paulies and SmallBoobsOnly’s Ralph Lauren’s that I didn’t make that up. 

 

His email, though, was magic to my ears… eyes… parts of me.  ‘Shalom.  I matriculated at Johns Hopkins in Balty and did my internship and residency at Sloan-Kettering in the Big Apple whilst simultaneously revising for my Bar Mitzvah at Rodeph Zion Yeshiva.‘

 

Oh, for fuck’s sake!  Of course I made that up.  What he actually said was: ‘so ure a writer????’

 

I almost felt bad.  My reply:  ‘Yesz I am.  So ure a doctor??? r u shurez???”

 

 

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DRESS REHEARSAL… RAGS!

Published June 30, 2009 by jean cohen

The quiz at the Grotto on Sunday night was cancelled, due to an outbreak of Asshole-itis.  I know.  I said I wasn’t going to go anymore, and I really wasn’t.  But I had to collect money for The Walk from people there, Colin was supposed to be away golfing, and I was bored.  So when the Irish Lad rang, I let myself be coaxed into walking up Monument Hill.  With no Colin and no quiz, I ended up staying and having a couple of drinks in the garden with Tee (it is so bloody hot here at the moment, Giovanni might be making an appearance very soon).

 

It was a banner night for Chelsea Supporters and mosquitoes.  There is this bloke – I don’t know his name, I call him Filibuster Guy because he just never stops nattering on and on about nothing. He was there, pissed as shit and having a long conversation with an invisible mate.  Or perhaps Tee and me.   I know that I certainly wasn’t listening to him.  Nor was the Lad.  I finally said to Terry “Ya know, we could go to mine and sit in the garden there…and take turns pulling out each other’s teeth.  That’s got to be more fun than this.”

 

But it got even worse.  A really strange guy came out, sat next to me and then proceeded to climb all over me.  I got up and moved away, and he mumbled to Tee “Oh…sorry.  Am I interrupting you two love birds?  You’re a couple, yeah?”  Tee chuckled the patented maniacal pixie laugh when I answered “Yes, you’re interrupting us. And no, we’re not a couple.  His wife is really funny about stuff like that.”

 

And while this was going on, Cheese Boy kept texting me with strange messages.  The heat is affecting positively everybody.  ‘Turn on BBC3’ was the first cryptic message.  For a split second, I thought maybe another Jackson died and BBC3 was carrying it live.  The second one said ‘USA winning 2-0’.  I showed it to Tee, commenting “Well of course we’re winning.  Whatever it is.  We are the USofA after all.”  Tee just laughed and explained that it was one of those boring, bragging rights kind of soccer games and the US was playing one of those South American countries.  I have no idea how he knew that; we were on Monument Hill at the time.  They did have the game on at the pub, but I wasn’t interested in watching it.  I’d rather watch paint dry, frankly.  I believe that BRA beat the US, but don’t quote me on that.   

 

The Irish Lad is quite my most favorite person in the world right now.  He’s the Pixie!  He’s the Univac Brain!  He’s the Studly Irish Lad!  He’s the Main Man. The Geator with the Heater… the Boss with the Hot Sauce!  Okay.  I’ll stop now, but he’s also still got loads of credit for Amsterdam and cheap fags.

 

He’s the possessor of coveted tickets to see Cousin Lenny at Brooklands. And the one that says ‘relative’ has my name all over it.  I am so excited I could plotz.  (It must be that ‘Cohen’ thingy; I’m feeling very Jewish today.)  The concert’s on Saturday, July 11.  I’m counting the days.  And I’ve got to start thinking about what I’m going to wear.  It crossed my mind to wear that teeshirt from a few Pesachs ago, the one that says ‘Have Afikomen; Will Deal’.  Lenny would spot it, and me waving, and know instantly that I’m definitely a landsman and quite possibly a close relative.  But Tee scotched that plan by meanly reminding me that Cousin Lenny is a Rosacrutian or a Buddhist or something now, so maybe he doesn’t celebrate Pesach anymore.  I guess I’ll just have to buy a new outfit.

 

I’m working an extra shift at Sam this week, my regular volunteering gigs, the Quiz at the Ash Tree and I have two dates booked—one with James Bond Guy.  Oh.  And a dinner for Jeanette’s birthday, plus a visit to the Church of the Poisoned Mind.  That should be good for quite a few laughs (‘I see a cab driver in your past… what were you thinking?  Boy, is he pissed off at you!’)

 

And I have tons of stuff to get done for IS Guy (my new employer).  The accent thingy is going pretty well (Three episodes of ‘Cold Case’; seven of Law & Order: Criminal Intent’).  “Hi, this is Jean Cohen, American person calling.  You alright?  Oops, I mean how are you?  Blah Blah Blah Blah etc.  Have a nice day!”

 

Finally, another one of those chain emails thingys that people keep sending.  No.  It’s not a Michael Jackson one.  I didn’t even open any of those.  I thought this one was pretty funny.

 

Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns

Dear Simon,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour’s daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Simon.

   

OWLS OF A FEATHER

Published June 28, 2009 by jean cohen

I’ve been too busy to blog, but I feel like I should start off with sincere condolences to Petitenessbuttheassfat, my admirer (probably ex-) from Plentyoffish.  (June 18 blog.)

 

‘Dear P – So distressed to hear that the King of Pop passed away.  And if MSNBC is to be believed, you’re not getting a refund for those tickets anytime soon.  I guess now you’re ‘a little bit cheeky, a little bit naughty, and a whole lot sad, instead of a little bit ‘bad’’.  This might be an opportune moment to rewrite that profile!  I might be able to help with that…  For only 10 quid, I can make you sound almost intelligent.  (You don’t want to intimidate* them.)    Of course, if you ever actually get to a face-to-face meet, you’re on your own, Sweetie.  I’m not a miracle worker.’

*intimidate means to ‘fill with fear’ or ‘awe’; shit.  You don’t want to scare them off before it inevitably happens.

 

This ‘real’ work stuff is certainly playing havoc with my social life.  I had to miss a couple things this week because of deadlines.  Fortunately, I do most of it at home, so I save an hour or two not frantically deciding what to wear while I’m toiling.  And the ‘American’ accent is progressing nicely, but for some reason it sounds more Midwestern than East Coast Intellectual Elite.  Who’s going to notice, anyway?

 

I went to a Sam ‘Do’, which was a luncheon at a posh golf club.  The theme was ‘Wimbledon’, which, in case you don’t know, is all about tennis, not golf.  The best part was that we had to dress all in white (don’t ask me; I wasn’t on the committee).  But that was sort of a good thing.  It limited my choices and the time it took to select the perfect outfit.  Of course, thanks to Ruby and being a Warm Autumn, I don’t wear white anymore.  Well, hardly ever.  So I only had three white skirts and five pairs of trousers to pick from.  Plus that really stunning white sweater from Zara that Ruby told me to get rid of.  As if!   

 

And I made it to the Quiz at the Ashtree this week.  Pinkie’s back on nights, so it was going to just be Cheese Boy and me.  Fortunately, Jim, who is the bass player for that pub band, Normal, that we like came in just as we were starting and joined us.  Our name was ‘Who Are We?’  I strongly suggest that anybody who’s planning to do a quiz schlep Jim along.  He knows positively everything about music.  And children’s cartoons.  As long as you have someone else on your team who knows about sports- the boring British kind.

 

We were doing quite well – in second place – until the guys caused us to wipe out in the Wipe Out round.  It was a question about an advertisement on television.  I never have a clue on those.  They had two choices, and they guessed wrong.  We never caught up, even though we all knew a lot of useless stuff in the General Knowledge round. Oh well.

 

I guess the big news is that I had two dates this week.  Wowie zowie… Hubba hubba.  Ho hum.   Honestly, I’m always flabbergasted when I open an email on POF and they’re not 25 and ‘wanna chat’.  And their emails actually make sense.

 

Date #1 was Paul.  He’s an attorney.  He was very nice, and funny, and interesting.  And short.  That sounds like the kiss of death, doesn’t it?  Yeah, I just wasn’t attracted to him.  And I guess I didn’t make that much of an effort to be charming and scintillating.  I haven’t heard from him since the date, but I’m really not bothered by it.

 

The second date, on Saturday, with Richard, was loads better.  He’s very good looking and tall.  He’s a consultant with the Ministry of Defense for Arab dialect studies.  We had lunch and a long walk, then sat in the garden at the Grotto until dusk just talking.  I got a couple of texts later in the evening saying that he’d had a really nice time and wanted to see me again, so we shall see on this one.

 

I got a text from BooBoo while we were at the Grotto.  She’d forgotten about the date and was inquiring where I was, since she hadn’t been able to reach me all day.  I was at Syn in the morning.  ‘On a date; remember?’  I texted back.  ‘Oh right’ she sent back. ‘Is he circumcised?’  Everybody’s a fucking comedian.  ‘Don’t know; won’t find out if people keep texting me!’ I shot back.  And I turned the damn mobile off.

 

I’ve got another date booked for this Wednesday.  His name is Paul.  Honestly, the names are always the same.  Oh for a Hymie or a Vinnie.  Paul is a Homeland Security official at the Foreign Office.  And, no, I did not make that up.  His number is 018. Okay.  That part I did make up.

 

Here’s the best part.  When we got to the telephone conversation stage, he asked, naturally, where I was from.  “Philadelphia” I admitted, praying that cream cheese wouldn’t rear it’s shmeary white head.  “Oh” said Paul.  “I went to uni in Philly for two semesters on an exchange program.”  “No shit?” I asked, ‘Where?” figuring he’d say Penn or Drexel.  “Temple” he replied.  “Me,too!” I yelped all excited.  “I went to Temple.” “Did you hang out in Mitten Hall” he asked.  “Of course” I replied, deciding right then and there that I was in love.  Paul lived on campus (surprisingly, he lived to tell the tale) and asked where I lived.  “In the suburbs” I told him.  “After I was married, we lived in King of Prussia.”  “Were you near the Mall? I loved the Mall.”  Oh.  My.  God.    

 

 

 

CAN WE TALK?

Published June 24, 2009 by jean cohen

God, I had this horrible nightmare.  I was in bed with this gorgeous 30 year old guy.  It was going absolutely brilliantly, except everything we said appeared on the ceiling in a dialogue cloud.  LongestCircumcisedDickinSurrey69 said: ‘U r so sesy hun!’ on my ceiling.  I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t get a tummy ache.  Then the idiot said: ‘Dew u no what i wanna dew 2 u now?”   I had peeked; I couldn’t help it.  I opened my eyes and read it. Big mistake.  “i fink u need 2 leav” I whispered onto the cloud and in his adorable ear (the one with the three piercings). Then, fortunately, I woke up before he could say another bloody word.

 

Yes…it’s time!  More emails from my overflowing in-box on POF.

 

A Special Mention this week to Herestrouble!!, last week’s Turd of Camberley Award winner.

 

I sent him the blog last week.  I thought he should know that he took top honors.  Apparently, this guy just can’t be insulted.  This week, he’s still trying to undo that first impression: ‘Hi thanks for the advice the other week, no fool like an old fool….but learn’t a great lesson….keep it up your a real sweetheart…mike…x’   I guess he’s hoping I’ll just overlook my second, third and fourth impressions, which were identical to the first.

 

And kudos to BoyToyinKent1502.  He actually read practically the whole damned blog and made some clever and astute comments.  He might be worth a second look.

 

MagicFingers777 is 54 and confesses ‘I really need a nice cuddle’.  Aw!  Was his mother mean to him?  Was he a ‘middle child’?  His email: ‘hiya hun great piccy xxxx’

 

 Okay.  What did this moron just say?  Yeah.  Yeah.  I got ‘hiya hun’.  I can now translate almost everything they write.  But what the hell is a ‘piccy’?  Is he referring to my boobs?  People talk about ‘pikeys’, at least that’s how I thought it was spelled.  But I’m from Philadelphia and I do not reside in a caravan, not even when I’m visiting the Garden State Parkway.

 

  Dear Magic (hey, do you play basketball? That would be such a coincidence!): Although I am Italian, I only speak English.  And that’s a problem, believe me, when the Consulate in London reaches out and touches me. I get so confused.  But I digress.

 

Your email confused me, too.  But I often am.  Confused, I mean.  I mean I am, if you know what I’m saying, all the time; I’m just confused about 75% of it.   What, pray tell, is a ‘piccy’?  What language are you speaking?’

 

Poor MagicFingers777’s fingers obviously lost their magic ability to type.  He didn’t reply.

 

Big_mo198 is 18.  That poor, poor child. ‘ i play cricket and have played it for 4 years. i enjoy having a social drink with friends but who doesn’t not realli into clubbing for some reason. im not only looing for relationships but also some fun if u want. i enjoy most music aswell but am open to listen listen to more kinds.’  And for a first date Big M threatens: ‘i would like to go out for a social drink and then go to yours or mine for some fun.’  

 

His email:  ‘hi im most probalby not what your looking for but i would love to be taght a thing or too by an oldy lady. maybe you could be the one xx’   And he sent me a cyber bouquet of flowers.

 

Of course I laughed.  I even read it to the postman who happened to turn up at that exact moment.  I suspect he just likes seeing me in my ‘jammies in the morning.

 

My reply:  ‘Thank you for the flowers, Sweetie.

 

I expect that I could teach you quite a few things.  Like spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

 

"Hi.  I’m probably not whom you’re looking for, but I would love to be taught a thing or two by an older lady.  Maybe you could be the one."

 

And think about this:  your email is that all important ‘first impression’ ladies will remember about you.

 

Do you want them to think "This child cannot even write a coherent sentence; he’s probably lousy in the sack too”

 

Exactly.’

 

I just love it when they indignantly write back.  Biggie pondered long and hard on this gem: ahhh thank you for the english lesson. It will help me alot. would you like to teach me some other stuff other than the items you suggested. Xx’

 

‘Sure, little guy.  On offer this week: (a) Yiddish; (b) crocheting; (c) making gnocchi from scratch.’

 

TonyH is 28 and in the Army.  ‘hi ya my name is tony i am 28 yr old a single dad and love my son to bits he is my world and would do any thing for him i have been split from ex wife for over 3yrs now,i enjoy playin rugby and also love to watch it im a big Bath fan,but with my job i dont get to watch them as often as i would like to,if u would like to no more please ask.’

 

And his email: ‘Hiya hun wanna chat??????????????’

 

Really.  I can’t help all these guys.  I have responsibilities.  Okay, even if it’s just shopping, it’s a responsibility.

 

Dear Tony:  No.  PS  Just because you didn’t bother turning up too often, I hope you are actually sending your son to school.

 

  George0101 (that’s the number of years he completed at school) ‘: i like to think i am down to earth not with my head in the sky but what u see is what u get i am very out going and good laugh to be with like to make afuss of my i women? in all the right ways. i like most music from 60s to the 90s i dress very smart and wood like my partner to be the same.this is hard to talk about there is a lot more but i have gone brian dead //////////  (Brian’s dead? nobody even told me he was sick!)

 

And on a first date: ‘wood like to go four a meal and wine and talk; to get to no each over.like to see if we have the same out look on life? i liketo go places i go on hoilday three times a year.’

 

George’s classy invitation:  ‘hi lets meet 4 coffee and chat and see where it gos……….george’

 

George, you really, really pissed me off. 

 

‘Um…George?  I thought you wood like to go four a meal and wine and talk on the first, oh-so-important date .  If ‘talk’ is what guys like you euphemistically refer to it as these days.  How come you wood only like to meet me 4 coffee?  Am i two cheep and not good enuf to bye food 4?’

 

Parker6969’s profile didn’t sound too awful:  A Parker (not the nosey kind )Looking for an Un-Shockable Lady Penelope to wait on hand & foot & pamper please Endlessly LOL Within reason – Professional – No Life (ouch) – Well educated – Articulate – A Good Orator !! – Clumsy – Fit ish – Wicked and twisted sense of humour………Pleasant and good mannered – bit of a gent at heart (The Times and a Carnation given half a chance – LOL)’


Oh…but the email – ‘Your Soooo Yummmmy I could eat you xxxx  YOUR PICs wow so sexy xxxx  love TO BE YOUR PRIVATE STRIPPER / MASSEUR ANYTIME – now? LOL I would love to chat with you or cam if you have an MSN or Yahoo addy?? xxx I would love to tease and chat with you angel’

 

Bye-bye, Parker.  Delete!

 

Bigdikkfunnyguy has found the time to get a lot of tattoos in 31 years.  Maybe he started when he was five.  His profile: gosh what do you wana know..just hit me up for a msg,and il be happy to reply i can say im a great guy,love to have a laugh,hate fakes…..love to joke around, i can be naughty,i can be playful,i can be very tempting.lol

And for the first date:  if i told that wouldnt be a suprise.but i could say you would be impressed  I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess the surprise.  He’s really a Dermatologist!  And he’s Jewish!  No.  Probably not what he meant.

 

His email was rather disappointing.  I guess I expected someone with a man muscle that big to…  Forget it.  lovely pics..lovely smile.hehe’

 

And the Turd of Camberley Award this week goes to Olover.  I think perhaps even the actual Turd of Camberley, for whom the award is fondly named, would be in awe of O’s style and fabrication talents.  They’re certainly a helluva lot more original than theTofC ever managed.

 

I was waiting for BooBoo to go shopping and, I confess, I got into a little war of words with O, until I got bored and blocked him from emailing me ever again.

 

His profile: ‘hi there im danny hello 2 all, ok bit bout me im tall well over six foot,blonde green eyes stocky muscular build,gsoh fun kind caring   passionate,romantic,got many ints,play the sax and guitar,im also qualified tattooist and piercist,so any lady brave enough im ur man .i love romantic times soft music candle lit meals cuddles holding hands etc also love hols,love maldives dubai and goa so need a lady 2 take and lie on a white beach together i also got bikes and horses so need a pillion i also play rugby so got rugger player bod; but not a broken nose lol’and sorry not got photo up, me and computers arggghhhhh but i got web cam if u want see me but i not 1 these sit naked lol i also do martial arts run my own classes’ 

 

His email: ‘g morning im danny how u ? please get in touch b nice to get 2 know u,and u never know i may take ur fancy’

 

Not too dreadful, I realize, but tattoos, piercings, motorcycles & large animals, the beach?  I hate the beach. 

 

I thought I was polite: ‘No, I don’t think so. But thank you for asking.’

 

Back came an immediate response.  Crap!  I hate when they can’t take a simple ‘no, not if you were the last man left on earth’.  And I so dislike men who whine. ‘sou can tell by my pfofile god ur good’   I believe what O was attempting to say was ‘So, you can tell by my profile.  God, you’re good.’  (I realize you readers don’t all fluently speak cyber-gibberish yet.)

 

Oh my.  No more nice Jewish American Princess.  No, I can tell by your emails. You can’t write an intelligible, grammatical sentence.  I’m looking for someone with whom I can converse and share interests. I find tattoos and body-piercing disgusting.  Ditto for Hogs and Trigger.  I certainly wish you well, and meant no offence, but I am realistic and I have extremely precise, exacting standards.’

 

Poor O.  He so wanted the last word.  Even I couldn’t tell a lie this ridiculous.  lol well i went to oxford and studied b a lawyer and got my qualifications spent 7 years guts hospital london, b 4 joining marines and i not being funny but i not the 1 got a piccy on showing her bra off to try look sexy but i fact looking lke Frodo’

 

Shit!  Frodo?  I look like Frodo?  My goddamned ears aren’t pointy.  Well he must be a huge Tolkein fan. Did he expect me to escort him on a little jaunt from Middle Earth to Mordor and drop my diamonds in the fire at Mt. Doom before he commemorated the event with a tasteful tattoo on my tushie? 

 

But gee, he went to Oxford.  Wait just a minute! When did they lower their standards?  Maybe after Bill Clinton spent a year or two there? How could I have missed that he’s an Oxford man?   Oh.  O was a lawyer, but then he became a marine.  That explains a lot.  Seriously, would you trust him?  He can kill you … or sue you.

 

It’s not a bra; it’s a bathing suit.  It says so right on the picture. 

 

‘This has been fun on a morning where the writing isn’t flowing…

Because the stupid suggestions advised a ‘picture to generate interest’.

Because I thought I looked cute in it; I hate pictures of me usually (although, I must admit, Frodo is a new one; usually I get Alfred E. Newmann or Ted Kopel).

Because I thought men who have a brain as well as a penis would take the time to read the profile and discern that I am for real.

Because I did not realize that Armageddon is upon us and the rules have changed and nobody told me. I guess I was too busy being married and having a normal life.

Because I naively expect the best from people, not the worst.’

 

As a point of information, the emails I share are all real, just the way they showed up on my account at POF.  I just cut and paste them into the blog in all their glory.  And the screen names are real, too.

STROLLING IN THE DARK

Published June 22, 2009 by jean cohen

Friday Night was the 10 mile Midnight Walk in aid of Woking and Sam Beare Hospices.  Another ‘second’ for me here.  It’s hard to believe that I’m already doing things a second time.  First Pessach, now the Walk.  The upcoming Turkey Thingy.  Where has the time gone?  Besides shopping, of course.

 

Sadly, BooBoo didn’t participate this year, citing revision (‘cramming’ in American) for her exams, but I know that her family problems continue to be an issue, and I am worried about her.  And frustrated, because there seems to be nothing concrete that I can do to help her.

 

I did take the piss out of Cheese Boy, texting him in the afternoon to inquire ‘What are we doing tonight?’.  He rang me asking somewhat perplexed “Did we have plans tonight?”

 

“I expect so, El Cheese-o” I told him.  “Tonight’s the Midnight Walk.  Aren’t we going to drive to London, jog six miles to the O2, climb a million steps, see a concert, run back to the car and floor it 95 miles an hour on the M-whatever to West Byfleet getting changed in the car to check-in before registration closes?  We’re not?  What am I supposed to do until 10:30?”  Silence on the other end.  I live for just such moments.

 

There were 1400 women walking this year, and Pinkie and I both met scads of women we know.  Amy was walking for the first time.  It was as amazing and uplifting as last year.  And a bit easier, since the route was reversed and we did the hilly part through Weybridge at the beginning, before I got the blisters.  And, yes, I pinned a picture of Jerry to my shirt so he was with me on the walk.

 

When I got to Pinkie’s (she made me walk all the way to her house), I said “Say ‘hi’ to Jerry, Amy”, turning around to show off the picture.  Amy is a darling young lady but, how can I say this nicely, a tad blonde.  “Oh” she replied, “How come I never met Jerry?”  Hmm.  Well you see… once upon a time, in a country where everything actually worked, there was this Jewish American Princess…

 

“Probably because he’s dead, Sweetie” I explained kindly.  I didn’t bring him with me to Weybridge.  I left him in Har Yehuda Cemetery since he was all settled in and comfy there.”

 

This year’s walk even had a trauma.  If 1400 women are going to simultaneously walk somewhere in the middle of the night, the odds are that the one who’s going to trip, fall, hit her head, cut her chin, break her arm, and lose consciousness would be me.  Okay.  I admit that I’m a bit clumsy.  But I’m handicapped.  That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.  Ha! Ha!  It wasn’t me.

 

It happened right in front of us.  A lady walking with a group of friends did all of the above.  Sister Pinkie to the rescue.  “I’m a Casualties Department Sister” she snapped to the twittering friends who were milling around in a panic.  “No, don’t stand her up!  Sit her down…gently.  Amy, sit behind her and let her lean on you.  Jeano, give me some Kleenex!”  (to stop the blood that was spewing out of the big hole in her chin.)

 

Everybody snapped to it; wow, Casualty Sisters talk really mean.  Not a ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ to be heard.  Then she whipped out her mobile and called an ambulance (she even knew 911’s phone number).  Pinkie impressively switched to medical speak explaining to the Dispatcher what had happened, using words like ‘pulse’ and ‘respiration’ and ‘cold and clammy’ and ‘probable concussion’.  Fortunately, a volunteer EMT crew from St. John’s pulled up, and they took over, freeing Pinkie of her responsibilities as an Angel of Mercy so we could carry on walking.

 

As an amusing sidelight to the story, we ran into the EMTs again at the finish of the Walk.  The NHS ambulance, unable to understand ‘look for 1400 women in horrendous yellow teeshirts and flashing bunny ears.  We’re the ones sitting down on the curb directly across the road from the nightclub with the flashing lights and loud rap music outside the train station.”  It took them twenty minutes to spot her.  We can only hope that they didn’t remove her appendix or amputate her foot by accidental when they finally got her to St. Peter’s.

 

I felt absolutely fine on Saturday, other than the damned blisters.  I guess if I’m going to make a habit of charity walks (I’m never gonna run; unless it’s a sale at Bloomies or the Church of St. Nordstrom Rack), I should invest in some sort of proper walking shoes.  I was damned proud of myself for doing my bit for a good cause, for walking ten whole miles, and for just being exceedingly cool.

 

A sincere thank you to everybody who sponsored me.  I raised lots of gelt.  And if you didn’t, it’s not too late!  You can still go to www.justgiving.com/geltforjeano and just give some.

 

On Saturday night I went to a ‘Pre-Henley’ Bash at Amy’s Rowing Club, which, of course, was also Marina’s club when she lived here.  Positively everybody remembers her.  I’m not saying that’s a good thing or a bad thing; it’s just a statement of fact.  It was an elegant Do with marquees placed along the river strung with fairy lights.  An animal (a dead one) was roasted on a giant spit after being Koshered under strict rabbinical supervision by a bloke who once passed through Golders Green on the underground.  (Pinkie said so.) 

 

I wore my brand new Escada trousers.  Hester, my partner at Tea Lady duties at the Senior Centre, also works at Sam Bric-a-brac.  She rang me at Books on Thursday to say “A brand new pair of amazing Escada trousers with your name on just came in”.  “Emergency at Bric-a-Brac” I told Mike as I ran out the door, leaving him to cope single-handedly.  “Jacket or skirt?” he inquired.  He’s so amusing.  I had been in somewhat of a panic since I had absolutely nothing to wear to the Do.  It certainly helps to have friends on the Bric-a-Brac side of things.   I’ll post a few pictures so you can all see just how stunning they are.  And me.

 

Strangely, this was quite possibly the first ‘event’ in England that I didn’t enjoy.  I found the Rowing Club members to be unfriendly, clique-ish, and more than a little rude.  Both Pinkie and I were still a bit tired from the walk on Friday night, so we left relatively early.

 

The Irish Lad was in Spain, or some place that starts with an ‘S’, for the weekend golfing, so Pinkie and I had to go it menless for the quiz at the Grotto.  This meant, of course, that we didn’t know the answers to any of the sport questions.  So we lost, rather badly.  For the umpteenth time, we agreed that we hate the Grotto, loathe Colin and his obnoxious Chelsea Supporter clientele, and need to find something else to entertain us on Sunday nights.  Stay tuned.  Last night he got particularly shirty with Pinkie and me in separate incidents.  Mr. A(sshole) makes up the questions himself and thinks he’s very clever.  Often, they make no sense. He mangles the grammar and has a dreadful accent.  Pinkie asked him to repeat a question and he came over to our table and shouted it at her.  Later on, he asked “What month is the Jewish holiday, Channukah, celebrated?”

 

“Colin, that’s wrong” I told him sweetly.  (Yeah, sure I was sweet.)  “You can’t ask it like that.  There isn’t a specific answer.  Channukah starts on 25 Kislev, but uses the Jewish calendar, not the Gregorian one.  The Jewish calendar is 13 months, so it doesn’t always start in the same month.”  He gave me the finger and told me to shut up. (And he couldn’t even pronounce ‘Channukah’.)

 

Just to prove my point, in 2002 Channukah started on November 30; in 2013, the first night will be on November 28.

 

And while I’m on the subject of Turds I have unfortunately known, my mobile went off while I was sitting in the garden reading.  Wow… there are all sorts of thingies doing their plant thingy blatantly out there.  Inside is another story.  When Jeanette popped in unexpectedly for a coffee, I whisked her out to the garden even though it was 40 degrees Fahrenheit out there and pissing down rain.  That damned plant she gave me is sitting in the lounge dead as a doornail.   It’s BooBoo’s fault.  Because it is.

 

Sorry.  I lost track.  Anyhow, my mobile went off, with a text.  It was from a phone number, not a contact name.  “Hi Jean how are you am just back from holiday had nice time how have you been xxx’

 

Could it be?  No, it couldn’t possibly.  ‘Who IS this?’ I texted back.  Call me old-fashioned, but I believe in God, the American flag, and punctuation at the end of sentences.

 

Yeah.  It was.  ‘James’ came back in a split second.  I’d deleted Unfriendly and So Dumped Guy’s number ages ago.

 

Adonai Wept!  I guess he’d been on holiday in Sri Lanka or Devon or one of those places where there are simply no satellites.  Or maybe he ‘stupidly forgot to pack his charger’.  Hey.  It happens.  So I’ve heard.

 

‘You’re kidding!’ I texted back.  ‘You stood me up, never called, and then disappeared.  You don’t exist any more.  I deleted your number.  I strongly recommend that you do the same.’

 

Back came his reply:  ‘oh sorry ok then take care’

 

I related this wildly humorous anecdote to Pinkie walking up Monument Hill to the Grotto.  We agreed that the moral of this parable is: Don’t Drink the Coffee at Heathrow.

 

YES! MORE EMAILS FROM POF!

Published June 18, 2009 by jean cohen

Those emails from More Bottom Feeders at POF are losing their luster and starting to bore me.  Pathetic is funny, sure, but it gets tedious after about the hundredth one.  I delete scads of them; they’re just so ‘more of the same shit’.

 

But here goes… the weekly winners.  Actually, losers, but you know what I mean. 

 

BlackKnight really upset me.  Not because his email was graphic and really filthy.  It was obviously a generic email he sends to anyone who is female.  It was because he said I was fat.  Sort of.  He wrote ‘i luv larger woman all shapes sises and ages expecillialy wit big boobs’.  Excuse me? Larger women?  I’ve had Uncle Guido on the Garden State whack guys for less.

 

I love men with brains bigger than their penises.  Boy, it sure is hard to find any.  But I’m sure you’ll find that incredibly old fat hag with expecillialy big boobs and no scruples whatsoever if you just keep looking.’

 

FunLovingMale37 sounded tempting (that is such a big lie):  im 6ft3 medium build light brown hair blue eyed soldier stationed down south but from grimsby. im funloving like trying new things like my f1 and motor sport enjoy a game of pool of ten pin bowling like to have adrink but mainly during he weekend. If you want to know more please ask me anything’

And his message: ‘Nice cleaveage’.

 

Dear FLM:  Wow!  f1.  motor sport.  Pool.  Ten pin bowling.  And a soldier!  (Do you wear a uniform?)  I am dying to know more.  Like what were you thinking?  Or why would I be even remotely interested?’

 

Petitenessbuttheassfat (I swear this is true – he’s a dead ringer for that guy who plays the captain on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (like… do you know Ice-T… like, personally?) and he wants to be some lucky lady’s ‘Night’. His profile: ‘Well a little about me.. I’m a little bit cheeky, a little bit naughty and a little bit bad! However I am on here to meet the "right" girls! So if you are respectfull, intelligent,fun and cheeky I wanna hear from you ;-p I play football for Athletic Worthing, were not great but we are definatly better since I signed for them! I like all kinds of music and I’m a great dancer…Kind of! I have tickets to go and see Michael Jackson on the 14th July! I’m originally from up North. I just changed jobs recently & I am currently considering applying for Fire & Rescue! However I have lots of dreams and aspirations, they seem to change more often than the weather! I am looking to meet new friends, I crave new adventure and really want to start trying new things! If that sounds like you,then hit me up!’

 

Gosh.  This is so tempting.  Michael Jackson tickets.  He might become a Fireman.  I’ve never dated a fireman.  He’s cheeky and naughty and bad.  Can a Jewish Dermatologist say that with a straight face?  And his email: ‘were u checking me out?’  Could this be Mr. Write, my Night in Shineing Armore finelly?

 

Oh, please.  ‘No, I most assuredly was not checking you out.’

 

AmericanChopper went for the sympathy vote with his profile:’ i am deaf (since birth) i can hear (with hearing aids) and i can talk and lipread well and i been living in west london since birth (22 years) i have adhd i love going out to different places and explore whats around and i would love to go aboard again, i like all types of music (except of classic heavy rock blues, opera) i am a romantic guy who will do anything for his partner and keep her happy much as he can, i only go for personality i do have a car but its off the road as it needs work done to it’

 

Aw gee!  His email: ‘are you looking for a good time in bed????or something’

 

‘Oh, Sweetie….  Or something.  And definitely not with you.’

 

Billy91 is Asian and blatantly states that he’s married.  ‘Hello I’m Billy. Discrete, adventurous even naughty on occasions !! and looking for a similar minded woman to enjoy and explore mutual pleasures and desires. I enjoy good food and drink and yes good … Very flexible . ‘   His email:  ‘Would you like to meet up for some fun????’  ‘I’m very rigid, especially where my standards are concerned. God, no!’

 

James73Yes is in the Royal Air Force, stationed in Belgium.  ‘You look gorgeous, hope you don’t mind a younger guy saying hi, but I just love au natural redheadsXXX’

 

Seriously, if I have to hop on the Eurostar to get shagged, why the hell wouldn’t I just stay on the bloody train ‘til Paris and find a French guy?  Use some logic here.

 

‘Nope, Flyboy.  ‘Hi’ is fine.  ‘Goodbye’ is even better.’

 

Klimteastwood says he’s sensitive, but pulls no punches in his profile.  ‘I enjoy a good laugh most of the time, but am also sensitive and sensual at heart. I respect people and expect the same in return. I am not after a permanent/heavy/serious/boring/angst-filled relationship.’

 

Well I’m glad you made that clear, Klim.  ‘It’s important to know exactly what the man expects in a relationship.  May I suggest a nice compliant blow up doll?  That way, there’s no pressure, except possibly on the doll’s seams.’

 

Goldenboy234 wants someone who’s going to last.  (Probably to help him with his spelling and grammar if he is ever forced to get a job.)  23years old 6ft1inches tall,girls com n go bt i want some one who wants 2 stay 4 the future.i love football ,i love playing football as well am an asernal fan,am funny as well.’  And he’s funny; that is so crucial to a lasting relationship.

His email:  ‘am here,ar u alright sexy’

 

‘You’re there, so yeah, I guess I’m alright.  You might be here, and then I guess my answer would be different.’

 

This week, the coveted Turd of Camberley award goes to HeresTrouble!!  He sounded passable in his profile: ‘Its not as easy as putting pen to paper, how would one sell themselves??? its funny you can have a special person in your life someone you love but do not fancy. sex is an understatement, its good but should rule your life, its true if you put a pea in a jar for every time you got intamate for the first 6 months you would have it half full. for the rest of your life you took a pea out every time you got intimate you would never empty the jar. Beauty is skin deep as is the mind!!! what is the point of having an pretty woman by your side if you can not converse with her. women like men they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, some pleasing to the eye, some pleasing to the mind. The most important factor for a relationship is friendship, honesty, wit, mixed up with cuddles and kisses….(xxxx)’

 

Yeah, it didn’t make any sense to me either.  But he wrote me a poem:

 

I came and peeked and liked what i saw,
An attractive woman, someone to adore,
loved the profile it made me smile.
I hope your brave and text me back,
then I know i’m on the right track,
that smile so devilish those eyes devine,
woultn’t it be nice to share some wine.
if in fact you choose to decline.
I wish you luck and hope true love you find…Mike…x

 

I played it cool, sending a brief note thanking him for the poem.

 

His reply:  ‘mmm your making me all horny…how you feeling…xxxxxxxx’ 

 

Curses!  He must send that same banal poem to every female on the site.  At least he could fix all the spelling mistakes.  But I decided to answer him.

 

‘Oh dear.  Asshole Alert.  Let’s see… Turned off. Revolted. Disappointed. Bored. Where’s that damned thesaurus when you need it?’

 

Unbelievably, he replied, backtracking desperately (I guess the poem doesn’t work that well): ‘sorry like to shock i’m a nice man really honest….xxxxx’

 

So I decided to take the piss: ‘No problem. I write a popular blog and use all the trash I get from POF. And my traffic simply goes through the roof when it’s another ‘More Emails from Bottom Dwellers’ entry.  This week was a little exiguous; a deaf guy on a motorcycle, a black dude who wanted to be my ‘Night’, and then…YOUR’S!  A really big ‘Thanks’.  I just hate disappointing my readers.

 

Maybe he can’t read?  Or he wouldn’t know sarcasm if it jumped up and bit him on the tush.  ‘lol i’m a sweety really honest…….i appologise and send warm hugs…..you really seem like a nice girl and yes sexy……but i expect you already know that sweetheart….xxxxxxxx’

 

I guess it’s time to be more direct.  I’m not the sort of woman you’re looking for. And you’re not even remotely what I’m looking for in a man.

A bit of unsolicited advice, Mike.  Try using a modicum of self control: refrain from the tacky sexual innuendos until the third or fourth email at least.

 

Oh… and correct the damned typos in your poem before you send it out again.’

 

Apparently Mike is living on a different astral plane than the rest of us.  His God makes men pigs and women desperate.  ‘ …..i’m sure you will find mr right…your a very attractive woman and also have a lovely mind…look after yourself god made you special….xxxxxxxx’

 

Duh!  I know that, Stupid!