I had my interview with BathToy the other night. I simply had to do it. I really wanted to meet a guy who’s blatantly looking for some nookie on the side and specifically ‘someone with time during the day would be ideal, evenings are difficult for me although not totally impossible, and a place to be alone together would be a bonus.’ Please don’t email to remind me that I already tried one of those; I so know. I just really wanted to meet this guy. I thought he must be pretty amazing if he can get women to buy into that.
In reality, he was boring and pretentious. And those were his good points. Obviously if he’s a cheater, he lies. And he lied about his looks, too. ‘I’m tall, and fairly good looking, even sexy!! (I’m told)’. Someone else he dated or his wife is a big fat liar, too. Well, okay, he was tall. But not even remotely attractive, or well dressed. I couldn’t decide whether to ask him ‘Do you ever feel guilty about hurting your wife’ first or ‘did you actually look in the mirror after you put that shirt on with that suit and tie?’ Being totally honest, if he’d been a cross between Sean Connery, Sting and Steve McNair before his girlfriend shot him in the head four times (give me a minute here… I need to cool down) I might have been tempted to shag him a few times just for the hell of it.
We met for a drink, and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I heard about every single vacation he’d ever had in the States. I know what Orlando’s like; I’ve bloody been there. And San Francisco, and Boston, and Seattle. Then he tried to impress me with an anecdote about a visit to the Moulin Rouge. Wow! The Moulin Rouge! Gee! “Have you ever been” he asked. “The one in Paris” I countered, ‘or the one in Abiline, Texas? The one in Abiline is okay; the one in Paris is so tacky what with all the British tourists paying 75 quid for a bottle of cheap champagne and thinking they’re so sophisticated. I always tried to talk my clients into going to McDonald’s instead.”
He said he’d ring, so this morning I zinged him with a pre-emptive strike, the ‘I’m not interested’ email (the polite one, not the slice his nuts off one; he wasn’t a groper or whatever). I moved him to the ‘Toast’ folder, cheerfully singing along to Cousin Lenny. Well, I was cheerful; Lenny was moaning about razor blades and gas pipes.
Wow. BathToy actually replied. ‘To be honest, right from the moment you walked into the garden, I had the impression that you took one look at me and decided that you really didn’t like me. You were perfectly polite company but I had the feeling that you couldn’t wait to get out of there. That impression may well have been wrong but in any case, as you said…. you felt no spark at all.’ I’m no Helen Mirren, but I thought I was a better actress than that. Should I feel bad or something that I hurt his manly feelings?
Otherwise, with a few exceptions, it’s been just more of the same old ‘u r sesy wanna chat’ mash notes at POF. I’m starting to despair for the future of the human race. These guys are not the anomaly; they’re the norm. But a few of the funniest anyway…
Kenny 761 isn’t married. However, he is 5’3” and his hobby is stock car racing. I don’t think I have any clothes that came with a label ‘suitable for debut at the English equivalent of ‘Cecil County Dragway’. His email: ‘hello how are you today’ Again, I hate that question too. Why do they ask dumb unanswerable questions? Do they mean ‘how am I’ in a general way; how ‘am I today’ specifically as opposed to yesterday when I might have had a Jappy moment when something I tried on didn’t look perfect or some server didn’t snap to it as quickly as I’d expected; or how ‘am I’ in the ‘we are the world’ and/or the ‘brotherhood of man’ context. No, in retrospect, forget the philosophical twaddle; if the only thing he can say about himself is that he likes stock cars he probably just means ‘I don’t give a rat’s ass how you are; I just wanna shag you.’ Bye-bye, Dirt Track Guy.
IanforFun is ‘looking for a sexy woman’ – He has an ulterior motive – ‘I love cycling and enjoy the outdoors. I am an inventor and working on a new exiting everday product, may try dragons den? Some people think me eccentric and pehaps i am, you judge! My musical tastes are hugh and like everything from chopin through pink floyd to electronica like goldfrap, anything that can transport me on a journey of the mind. I often like to cross dress although i am straight, if you contact me i will email you a saucy picture!’ And I thought phishing scams from Nigeria were naughty.
‘Well of course a first date has to be somewhere comfortable and but public where a chat is possiable. a caf’e or a bar without crowds and a pleasant atmosphere. I am a romantic at heart but also a GSOH. i like to dress well and hope that the person dresses like a lady with a hint of sexiness.’ That is so dangerous. We could both turn up wearing the same Donna Karan Signature Coat Dress (the one with all the buttons) in Butterscotch. How embarrassing would that be? What if he found the perfect shade of chocolate pumps? I still haven’t.
On the other hand, IanforFun just might be the one. He mentioned clothes and dressing like seven times. Hell, we might be Soul Mates! So he cross-dresses. He might have more expensive taste than me and be a Warm Autumn. How big is this guy? Shit! He’s 6’ tall. And his bloody feet are probably huge too. I’m not going to fit in any of his ‘her’ clothes or shoes. Maybe he adores Louis Vuitton and Chanel?
‘Dear Secret Shopper: We might work. A little quiz to determine if we’re on the same page in Vogue:
(a) On which date does one begin wearing white (i.e. divine Betty Buckley trousers)? Hint: It’s a holiday in the States.
(b) Can Warm Autumns appear in public wearing black and white like that bloody cow Pinkie?
(c) On which date does one put away their stunning white Juicy Couture handbag ‘til ‘next year’?’
BradX is 29 and he’s looking for a ‘gorgeous woman’. I so want to hear from the first guy who’s looking for a ‘total Bow-Wow’. His about me: ‘im just a half decent honest bloke, looking for for a half decent honest girl and im startin to think that is to much to ask i live in surrey, i work as a drayman delivering tons of beer to you lot to keep you all happy although i dont really drink a lot . Been single for a while now and am bored of my own company now If your sort of local then give us a message if you like the look of me ‘
And his idea of a first date: ‘do you know what i would love to go home thinkin what a wicked night she was well funny we proper clicked, and in my opinion that aint happenin over dinner is it i think dinner is a bit to serious for a first date we’ll know what we want to do when we get talking’
I swear; he really wrote that.
And his email: ‘mmmm you are hot im not to far from you lets hook up’
‘Dear Braindead…Brad….Whatever – Are you quite certain you only deliver the beer? And frankly, is this what I get for paying that exorbitant Council Tax to Surrey? You’re not incarcerated and are free to wander the verdant country lanes in a truck looking for anorexic women who don’t eat dinner?’
Sirtified007 is not looking for a date! What he said was ‘just looking or the occassional chat, im abit flirtatious, so be warned ladies,’ He’s a 53 year old man who wants to talk dirty on line. How pathetic is that? Through the magic of cyberspace, I can provide a valuable service and help Sirty get his rocks off. Do you think that would help my score in The Book next Yom Kippur? I mean I have been a teensy bit unkind to some folks this year.
His email: ‘Not a bra tutt been much better if ud have left it to our fantasies, i mean at our agwe we dont get many fantasies these days xx’
‘I know what you mean! I have this fantasy that there’s a guy on POF who isn’t a wanker.’
Far2Hot_Scott may think he is, but he’s deluded. He’s 29 and in his pic he’s bare-chested in his BVDs. He lists his interests as: fashion, shoes and aftershave. Maybe there is a commonality after all. Nope. His about me says: ‘love all women, love to socialise, go out meet new people, like to have fun and want to live life to the full before i think im too old!!,’ Maybe he should stop listening to Snow Patrol. ‘first date would be relaxing and what ever happens happens, go with the flow, anyway i dont look at it like a date, thats a 60s phrase!!’ Oh, please. I am au courant with the current terminology; it’s called ‘fuck buddies’.
Scotty’s email: ‘would love to hook up w you’
I wasn’t being lazy or having an off day creatively. Really. I tried for hours to come up with a great put-down. I know it wasn’t one of my best efforts.
‘Yo, Scotty! I just beamed you up…back to Planet Dickweed, where the rest of the Turds live .’
And the winner of the prestigious Turd of Camberley Award is TomtheGuy. TomtheChelseaSupporter (Come on…it’s so obvious that’s what he should have chosen) lists his interests as ‘sexy ladies’. Yep, that’s it; it’s the only interest he has. Perhaps his wife isn’t—sexy, I mean. He candidly admits to being married. On the first date he’d like ‘to wine and dine the lady and then take it from there.’ I wonder where or what ‘there’ could be?
His email: ‘I fancy the pants off you xxxxx’.
Sometimes I just delete them, sometimes I’m nice; sometimes I just have to let it rip.
‘Really? I can’t imagine why you thought that would be flattering. Especially since ‘fancy’ wasn’t the word that came to my mind when I read your profile.
Let’s see… married. Hm. ‘Cheater’ popped right up. And ‘jerk’. As did ‘trolling for easy sex’. Oops! That was more than one word, wasn’t it?
Well here’s three more: Definitely not interested.’
He actually replied. ‘I couldn’t be arsed to bother going on dates’ I’m not quite sure what that meant, but I do know Armageddon is upon us.