The CyberDating Game

May 24

THE DATING GAME

I’ve decided to go into business; my own little ’cottage industry’ whereby I will make a million bucks in the comfort of my own little pink house at my computer wearing my Eagles ‘jammies.

 

I will write Emails for the Clueless and Inarticulate.  Yeah, that’s the working title for my new endeavor.  I realize it might need a bit of tweaking.

 

As I’d mentioned, I’m back on the dating sites.  I’m sorry but it’s just an urban myth that I’m going to meet the Jewish Dermatologist of My Dreams shopping for raddichio in the Produce Section of Sainsbury’s on a Wednesday night.  (Parking his Jaguar in their carpark would be a bloody nightmare for starters.)  And he probably shops at Whole Foods anyway.

 

I digress.

 

I rewrote my profile, eschewing all those big whoppers about Miss Italia 1992 and a Doctorate in Biochemistry from the University of Saskatchewan.  (I always use Saskatchewan; the capitol is ‘Regina’.  Clever, heh?)   I just said that I was 50-ish, intelligent, sophisticated, well-traveled, a writer and a graduate of Ruby’s Beauty Class- with a 14 – so drop-dead gorgeous and  dressed stunningly.  Simple enough.  And true.

 

What was I looking for?  The same things, obviously; except Ruby’s Beauty Class and being a writer are optional.  Although metrosexual men never scream when they open the Amex bill; they so understand.

 

There are simply not words in any of the languages I speak to describe the emails I’ve gotten. 

 

Female readers, if you own a man already, be nicer to him.  (Unless, of course, you’re Karen, and the aforementioned male is Turd of Camberley.  You just carry on making his life utter hell.) 

 

There is nobody out there.  Oh sure, they might have penises, but they don’t have a brain.  Or anything else, (i.e. class, style) including a working knowledge of the English language.

 

Initially, I just deleted the dumbest emails and the ones whose picture was ‘sitting on my motorcycle without my shirt looking really, really stupid’.  

 

Then I thought I really should answer that 25 year old suave talking guy with plenty of free time since he’s on the dole who inquired ‘hey, hunnie how u b?’

 

‘Dear Tongue69:  I am quite well.  Thank you for asking.  Since my Medicare Part B has (finally) kicked in I’m having that pesky prolapsed bladder attended to.  It certainly got in the way when I had unbridled sex with my last boytoy.  He said the reason he dumped me was because he had to take a cram course for his SATs (he failed them twice; can you believe it?) but I think that wasn’t true.  It was the grey hairs down there.  When can you get to Weybridge?’

 

Tongue69 didn’t write back.  Maybe he didn’t get the ‘American’ references, but I didn’t know the English equivalents…

 

Then I thought I could have written a much better introductory email to me for Tongue69.

 

‘Dear Madam:  I was perusing the profiles on POF.  Your picture and profile intrigued and captivated me.  While it is true that I am younger than you, I have always had an affinity for more mature ladies.  I learn so much from them.  May I take you to dinner at the Waterside Inn (4 stars in the Guide Michelin)?’

 

Now isn’t that an improvement?  I bet Tongue69 could have gotten laid a few times if he used my email.  Not by me, but there must be at least a couple of desperate women out there in cyberland.  Of course, the Waterside Inn is very expensive, but they probably wouldn’t have let him in anyway.  I saw his picture.  Trust me.

 

Or how about Obama Luther X – I’m not making that up. 

 

‘Me here in London you supply coffee me digestives I show you me damn special.” (And I didn’t make that up either.)

 

Here’s what I’d suggest, Sweetie…  Oh, and it might be a good idea to familiarize yourself with the ‘period’ key.  It’s on the bottom row, next to the comma.  Ask your mate, Malcolm X, to explain what a ‘comma’ is.

 

‘Dear Fabulous Italian American Lady:  Black is Beautiful! Power to the People!  Shout it loud: I’m Black and I’m Proud, if a tad unsophisticated.  May I take you to afternoon tea at the Ritz?  I simply adore older women.  They have lived and have so much wisdom to impart.  I await your reply with cautious optimism.’

 

Quite.  Osama Luther X would have gotten laid too. 

 

Nibbleyou, to be fair, tried to be clever.  ‘Are you writing right now?  Or doing something else?”

 

Hey, if I’m not writing, I’m shopping.  I decided he deserved an answer.

 

‘Hello, Nibbleyou:  Yes, I’m past deadline on a Q&A article for a website on the Italian Consulate in San Francisco and the specific requirements of the Homeland Security Letter attesting to non-American citizenship naturalization and why the ones from state agencies are not acceptable.  Some other consulates will accept them.   The requirements simply cry out for uniformity!  Gee, I hope that was a serious question, ‘cause I answered it!’

 

Nibbleyou didn’t write back either.  Strange.

 

But I would have said to me:  “Hello!  You’re a writer.  How utterly fascinating!  It takes a special talent to transfer one’s thoughts and feelings to paper.  Can I take you to lunch at the fab buffet at Divine Harrods just to listen to your stream of consciousness?’

 

Ditto for Nibbleyou and the getting nooky thingy if I wrote it.

 

Skipping over the married ones with wives in iron lungs or seriously depressed and on anti-depressants (Delete!  Delete!  Delete!  Yo, Mike!  It’s me, you mamzer!) there was Happy69erLove.  ‘god u look gr8!  so sexy.  Yummy! XXXXXXX’

 

For only 5 quid (7.50 if I spelled everything ‘English’) Happy69erLove could have said: ‘Gosh, you look stunning for a 50-ish lady.  And if I may be so bold, you are quite sexy.  Would you be interested in attending an Emili Ametlier exhibit inspired by the writings of Cervantes as a way of getting to know each other?  Provided you are keen on Spanish history, naturally.’

 

Happy69erLove probably would have been quite happy after he sent the email I wrote. 

 

Im Ur Prince certainly needs someone to explain to him that ‘your’ is spelled…  oh, you know how it’s spelled!  I’ve seen his picture; he’s the toad before the beautiful JAP kissed him.  And what can the answer be to ‘hello, babe how r u 2day?’  I couldn’t think of one—that wasn’t sarcastic, mean and nasty.  My reply: ‘Dear Im Ur Prince – me be okay.  Does u no u r STUPID?’

 

I fear even I could not help Im Ur Prince get laid.

 

My favorite, so far, has to be SeamLover, who wrote (pretty articulately) that he was in Majorca and it was sunny there.  ‘How nice for you’ I replied.  Do I give a rat’s ass if some idiot is in Majorca and it’s sunny? 

 

Back came his reply:  ‘What is your favourite time of the day?  What do you like to do when you have free time?  Fav color?  Drink? Film?’

 

Okay.  So it’s either now raining in Majorca or SeamLover is several cards short of a full deck.

 

‘Dear Seam (can I call you ‘Seam’ on such short acquaintance?) Favourite time of day:  9:30 AM – when Bloomingdale’s opens.

 

What do I like to do in my free time?  Shop (see fav time of day)

 

Fav color?  I recently did this Beauty Class with Ruby (she’s amazing…really) and I’m a Warm Autumn (I had my colors done; Pinkie is a Cool Winter—damn her—so she gets all the really good colors and I don’t) so anyway I guess it would be ‘Biscuit’, but not the English kind, the American kind like when you bake Betty Crocker biscuits in a 325 degree oven for twelve minutes.  Any longer and it’s more like ‘Toast’ and I don’t look fabulous in ‘Toast’.

 

Fav drink?  Gatorade and pickle juice (if it’s good enough for the Philadelphia Eagles when they go to Big D, it’s good enough for me.)

 

Fav film?  Tough one, Seam.  I would have to say ‘Brian’s Song’ or any Igmar Bergman film.  I so relate to depressed Scandinavians.  Why don’t they get some anti-depressants?’

 

I keep checking every hour, but SeamLover hasn’t replied yet.

 

June 11

YOU BEGGED FOR MORE

Back by popular demand, even more not very close encounters on POF.

 

Okay.  I’m now seriously addicted to my email on Plentyoffish.  I check for new messages every hour.  I can’t get enough of really lame missives from eager suitors vying for the hand (well some anatomy part) of unquestionably one of the most popular Princesses on the site.  I am on 23 blokes’ Favorites’ List.  Don’t get jealous; I’m sure I recognized ten of them from Interpol’s Most Wanted List.

 

Maybe the rest ‘share’ rejection stories and bruised manly feelings in a special, secret Chat Room called ‘That Bloody JAP Really Gave Me Some Fucking Attitude’. 

 

I always check their profile before I read the email.  A tiny part of me keeps hoping it will say: ‘I’m a Jewish Dermatologist and I own the entire county of Hampshire including all castles and stately homes.  I enjoy motoring around the French Riviera in my 200’ yacht, the Bella Regina (crew of sixteen).  I drive a Jaguar usually, unless it’s in the shop and I make do with the Porsche. It’s a tight fit; I’m 6’3”!   I only shop at Whole Foods for the ingredients for the Cordon Bleu meals I whip up for that special Jewish American Princess during those romantic evenings pour deux in my cozy 23 bedroom McMansion. I can’t get enough of watching Real, Proper American Football games on my 162” Plasma TV; especially the Dallas Cowboys.’  (Nobody said he had to be perfect.)    Maybe Dr. Saperstein’s email is buried in my spam folder by mistake.

 

But I get really disappointed when the emails aren’t funny or kinky enough.

 

NiceBlokeinKent:  “Hi.  I liked your straightforward profile.  How long have you been in England and why are you here?  What do you write?  Have I read anything you’ve written?

 

My reply:  ‘Yo, Buddy!  What’s your problem?  Couldn’t think of anything dumb or dirty to write?  Maybe you don’t have an imagination.  Unless, of course, that was some sort of pornographic ‘code’ that I missed?  Have a boring day—like your email.’

 

Nope, I like the ones from guys like Wolveslad.  His profile says: ‘I am 5/11 med  built blue eyes brown hair i have 2 taas and 3 bodypiercings i like all sports and i live life to the full i want to share y life wit someone. Looking for woman to spoil on first date hoefully it will lead to a second i will go to he pics and maybe a resturent or whatever the woman wants.’  Is there a woman alive strong enough to resist such blandishments?  And his email…  such prose!  ‘Wow!’  (That was it.)

 

I responded in kind.  ‘Ugh!’

 

Wolveslad, poor idiot, was unfazed.  Or he thought those were the international call letters for an orgasm achieved simply by thinking about meeting him.  ‘Ur sexy!’

 

Oh dear.  Tit for tat again?  Why even try.  ‘You are not, not even remotely’.

 

Kevinloveshoney made me realize that I should have dubbed myself as ‘JeanoAdoresLouisVuitton’.  I guess we should start as we mean to go on and all that crap.

 

‘hi how are you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxlooking for someone for a bit of fun fun fun.’

 

‘Sure, Sweetie.  But I’m expensive expensive expensive.’

 

Lofty234 was direct.  ‘I much prefer ladies older than myself.  I don’t know if you would consider a younger man and a sexually based relationship.  If you would then I’d love to hear from you.’

 

“Well hell; when you put it like that… What woman could say ‘no’?  Unless, of course, she has a brain and a modicum of self-respect.  Um…NO!’

 

Afterdark69 was very tempting.  divorced with 3 children , medium build green eyes and short shaved hair (on my head )
Enjoy the simple things in life caring 4 my children they are girl 7 boy 11 and girl 13 Would like someone special in my life to enjoy things with , if you have children thats fine , dnt like being alone lol . I have 2 jack russels so walks in the country are good as are family days out .’

 

Wow, a short guy with a shaved head and three brats.  And two dogs.  Maybe my life isn’t so perfect the way it is.  And he promises (or threatens; you be the judge) ‘Our first date , well maybe a drink then a meal maybe an indian ? I’m easy lol then whatever followed from that , i’m tactile so maybe a walk home holding hands and a kiss goodnite at your door step lol’   Yeah right.  He’s going to find out where I live so he can drop off the dogs and the brats for me to doggy-bratty sit so he can get all tactile with some unwed mother from Brixton.

 

His email:  ‘hi you look great maybe we could chat n meet ?

 

My reply:  ‘Maybe we could.  On second thought, no, we couldn’t. Not ever.’

 

But the Wanker of the Week and hands down winner of the Turd of Camberley award has to be Woo69d.

 

Reading his profile, he is The Man; the one every woman is desperately seeking.  It’s all about connecting with someone… with sensitivity, passion, laughter, communication, and trust. Maybe it will be a shared passion for music, film and theatre that will draw us to each other, as well as a love of travel, dining (out and at home), outdoor adventures, and good times with friends and family. You should know that I am warm, fun-loving, affectionate and thoughtful, with a quiet confidence, both a serious and a silly side, as well as a lively sense of humor. I seek a relationship where I can share passions and feelings with a partner who, has experienced much of the world, yet retains a curiosity and desire for that still to be discovered.

The woman I am drawn to is warm, giving, easy-going, communicative, playful … someone tender, settled yet adventurous … who savors touch and long soulful kisses. Is emotionally expressive, enjoys cultural pursuits, travel, and has a lively appreciation for food. Someone who loves feeling connected, looking forward to beginning and ending each day with one special person. She is ready to invest her emotions and her time in a real relationship. Her life is balanced and good, but she knows it would be better, more complete, with a loving companion. She enjoys fun and sharing the simple pleasures. We will bring out the best in each other as friends and lovers.’

 

Golly.  I had tears in my eyes.  It’s too damned bad that his mom, or his sister, or some other entrepreneurial female ghost-wrote his profile.  I bet she charged him like…  at least 10 quid.

 

I excitedly opened his email, anxious to discover even more of his lyrical tender soul.

 

It was two simple yet evocative words:  ‘Wanna shag?’

  

June 07

DON’T DRINK THE COFFEE!

Well another one bites the dust.  FSGuy is history.

 

We had a date scheduled for Friday night.  About 6:00 I got a text.  His mother had been taken quite ill and he would call me when he could.  Of course, he didn’t call. 

 

Adonai Wept!  Is there a book out there titled ’50 Transparent Excuses for Unimaginative Sheygetses’?  Come on, you can tell me.  I thought ‘Gee, that sounded kind of familiar…. Where have I heard that particular ‘dog ate my homework’ excuse before?”  

 

Then I remembered, so I wrote myself a memo:

 

To: Jeano; From: Jeano; Subject: edit the ‘New Guy Questionnaire’.  After the foreskin question and before the D&B Financial Statements, add:  #17 – Do you, or anyone in your extended nuclear family, currently have a mother?  If yes, 17a) is she prone to strokes or ‘bad turns’ suspiciously just prior to the commencement of a date; and 17b) does she often die, resulting in your being unavailable for long periods of time ostensibly ‘making funeral arrangements’.

 

Oh hell…Question #63 for added peace of mind:  Are you always prepared, like a JAP or a Boy Scout?  Do you always remember to brush your teeth and charge your mobile?

 

I declined going to the pub with the blokes, and decided to answer some of my emails on Plentyoffish to vent my annoyance.  I’d been saving a few choice specimens for just such an occasion. 

 

I have to add here that my screen name is ‘Wet in Weybridge’.  Although that nom de guerre had been used in another context in a prior life, I meant it to relate to the incessant rain here.  My profile is straightforward and grown-up, and nowhere does it even hint ‘I’m naked here in Weybridge just waiting for you to come and shag me senseless!”

 

Apparently, they read what they want to read. (If, in fact, they can read.)

 

From Jamesrb69:  ‘Cor u look grate how are u hope speake soon’  Little Jimmy’s profile says that he is 19.

 

My reply:  ‘Sweetie… does your mother know you’re using her computer to troll for women?  I’m 52, educated, etc. etc.  What could we possibly find to speake about?’

 

Boxerxxx is 26 going on eleven.  ‘do u like young willy xx’

 

My reply:  ‘Sorry.  I’ve not met Young Willy.  Does he live in Weybridge?  I do know ‘Deaf Peter’ at the Senior Center where I volunteer.’

 

Ashenden1470, another youthful Cassanova in training, went with ‘hey there hows u hun?’

 

My reply: ‘First of all, sonny boy, I’m not your ‘hun’.  Secondly, maybe you should invest in a grammar and punctuation manual before you email a university educated writer in future.  May I correct it for your next suave missive?  “Hey, there.  How are you, Hun?”  That would be grammatically passable if seriously trite and banal.’

 

Diamondgeeza is fond of ‘sound effects’: ‘wet mmmmmm is it raining? awwwww’

 

My reply:  ‘It’s not actually raining at the moment, but stay tuned!  It usually does rain in England, hence my choice of the sobriquet ‘wet in Weybridge’.  What does ’mmmmmm’ mean?  Is that British slang?  I do still have difficulty with your vernacular.  Who says American and British are a common language?  Not I!  I also did not understand ‘awwwww’.  Same posers as above.  I fear we would find any conversation between us incomprehensible.’ 

 

DaveyDavey aimed for subtlety and cleverness.  Hey, he tried‘HI Wet, are you? UP to anything esciting?

 

My reply:  ‘No, it’s not raining so I’m dry and cozy watching ‘Brian’s Song’ for the five hundredth time.  I love that movie!  It is so exciting and it always makes me cry when Brian dies.’

 

TezB chose to model a not very attractive naked chest (with tattoos) posed on his motorcycle.  ‘hi there im terry do u want to get together x’

 

My reply:  ‘Absolutement!  I’ve been waiting for this moment all of my life.’

 

And there are more where those came from!  But I’ll save them for another blog when I’m bored again.

 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  I actually heard from Obama Luther X again.  Life in the ‘hood is apparently quite tedious at the moment: ‘Nice to meet you.  (Come on!  I’d remember if ‘I supplied coffee him digestives him showed me him damned special’.  I’m sure I would.) My weekend. friday date went belly up (There’s an image I can live without) saturday lazy day (tried to engage brain; unsuccessful) sunday iron (hold on, Sweetie… You ironNow we’re clicking) . 

 

And back to Friendly Skies Guy, or Unfriendly Skies, as the weather in Rede is decidedly stormy,  I got a text on Saturday full of fulsome apologies.  That was sort of familiar, too.  I dashed off a blistering reply that I didn’t appreciate a text in lieu of a phone call.  Well there are certainly no flies on his tush, or nose, or whatever. And zippo between his ears.   He texted back that he agreed with me.  A very big sigh here and shaking of head in disbelief.

 

I related the story to Booboo on the phone.  She is positively scary sometimes.  “Gottenu!” she said.  “It’s déjà vu all over again.  Maybe it’s something in the coffee they sell at Heathrow.  Should we notify the authorities?”

 

June 18

YES! MORE EMAILS FROM POF!

Those emails from More Bottom Feeders at POF are losing their luster and starting to bore me.  Pathetic is funny, sure, but it gets tedious after about the hundredth one.  I delete scads of them; they’re just so ‘more of the same shit’.

 

But here goes… the weekly winners.  Actually, losers, but you know what I mean. 

 

BlackKnight really upset me.  Not because his email was graphic and really filthy.  It was obviously a generic email he sends to anyone who is female.  It was because he said I was fat.  Sort of.  He wrote ‘i luv larger woman all shapes sises and ages expecillialy wit big boobs’.  Excuse me? Larger women?  I’ve had Uncle Guido on the Garden State whack guys for less.

 

I love men with brains bigger than their penises.  Boy, it sure is hard to find any.  But I’m sure you’ll find that incredibly old fat hag with expecillialy big boobs and no scruples whatsoever if you just keep looking.’

 

FunLovingMale37 sounded tempting (that is such a big lie):  im 6ft3 medium build light brown hair blue eyed soldier stationed down south but from grimsby. im funloving like trying new things like my f1 and motor sport enjoy a game of pool of ten pin bowling like to have adrink but mainly during he weekend. If you want to know more please ask me anything’

And his message: ‘Nice cleaveage’.

 

Dear FLM:  Wow!  f1.  motor sport.  Pool.  Ten pin bowling.  And a soldier!  (Do you wear a uniform?)  I am dying to know more.  Like what were you thinking?  Or why would I be even remotely interested?’

 

Petitenessbuttheassfat (I swear this is true – he’s a dead ringer for that guy who plays the captain on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (like… do you know Ice-T… like, personally?) and he wants to be some lucky lady’s ‘Night’. His profile: ‘Well a little about me.. I’m a little bit cheeky, a little bit naughty and a little bit bad! However I am on here to meet the “right” girls! So if you are respectfull, intelligent,fun and cheeky I wanna hear from you ;-p I play football for Athletic Worthing, were not great but we are definatly better since I signed for them! I like all kinds of music and I’m a great dancer…Kind of! I have tickets to go and see Michael Jackson on the 14th July! I’m originally from up North. I just changed jobs recently & I am currently considering applying for Fire & Rescue! However I have lots of dreams and aspirations, they seem to change more often than the weather! I am looking to meet new friends, I crave new adventure and really want to start trying new things! If that sounds like you,then hit me up!’

 

Gosh.  This is so tempting.  Michael Jackson tickets.  He might become a Fireman.  I’ve never dated a fireman.  He’s cheeky and naughty and bad.  Can a Jewish Dermatologist say that with a straight face?  And his email: ‘were u checking me out?’  Could this be Mr. Write, my Night in Shineing Armore finelly?

 

Oh, please.  ‘No, I most assuredly was not checking you out.’

 

AmericanChopper went for the sympathy vote with his profile:’ i am deaf (since birth) i can hear (with hearing aids) and i can talk and lipread well and i been living in west london since birth (22 years) i have adhd i love going out to different places and explore whats around and i would love to go aboard again, i like all types of music (except of classic heavy rock blues, opera) i am a romantic guy who will do anything for his partner and keep her happy much as he can, i only go for personality i do have a car but its off the road as it needs work done to it’

 

Aw gee!  His email: ‘are you looking for a good time in bed????or something’

 

‘Oh, Sweetie….  Or something.  And definitely not with you.’

 

Billy91 is Asian and blatantly states that he’s married.  ‘Hello I’m Billy. Discrete, adventurous even naughty on occasions !! and looking for a similar minded woman to enjoy and explore mutual pleasures and desires. I enjoy good food and drink and yes good … Very flexible . ‘   His email:  ‘Would you like to meet up for some fun????’  ‘I’m very rigid, especially where my standards are concerned. God, no!’

 

James73Yes is in the Royal Air Force, stationed in Belgium.  ‘You look gorgeous, hope you don’t mind a younger guy saying hi, but I just love au natural redheadsXXX’

 

Seriously, if I have to hop on the Eurostar to get shagged, why the hell wouldn’t I just stay on the bloody train ‘til Paris and find a French guy?  Use some logic here.

 

‘Nope, Flyboy.  ‘Hi’ is fine.  ‘Goodbye’ is even better.’

 

Klimteastwood says he’s sensitive, but pulls no punches in his profile.  ‘I enjoy a good laugh most of the time, but am also sensitive and sensual at heart. I respect people and expect the same in return. I am not after a permanent/heavy/serious/boring/angst-filled relationship.’

 

Well I’m glad you made that clear, Klim.  ‘It’s important to know exactly what the man expects in a relationship.  May I suggest a nice compliant blow up doll?  That way, there’s no pressure, except possibly on the doll’s seams.’

 

Goldenboy234 wants someone who’s going to last.  (Probably to help him with his spelling and grammar if he is ever forced to get a job.)  ‘23years old 6ft1inches tall,girls com n go bt i want some one who wants 2 stay 4 the future.i love football ,i love playing football as well am an asernal fan,am funny as well.’  And he’s funny; that is so crucial to a lasting relationship.

His email:  ‘am here,ar u alright sexy’

 

‘You’re there, so yeah, I guess I’m alright.  You might be here, and then I guess my answer would be different.’

 

This week, the coveted Turd of Camberley award goes to HeresTrouble!!  He sounded passable in his profile: ‘Its not as easy as putting pen to paper, how would one sell themselves??? its funny you can have a special person in your life someone you love but do not fancy. sex is an understatement, its good but should rule your life, its true if you put a pea in a jar for every time you got intamate for the first 6 months you would have it half full. for the rest of your life you took a pea out every time you got intimate you would never empty the jar. Beauty is skin deep as is the mind!!! what is the point of having an pretty woman by your side if you can not converse with her. women like men they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, some pleasing to the eye, some pleasing to the mind. The most important factor for a relationship is friendship, honesty, wit, mixed up with cuddles and kisses….(xxxx)’

 

Yeah, it didn’t make any sense to me either.  But he wrote me a poem:

 

I came and peeked and liked what i saw,
An attractive woman, someone to adore,
loved the profile it made me smile.
I hope your brave and text me back,
then I know i’m on the right track,
that smile so devilish those eyes devine,
woultn’t it be nice to share some wine.
if in fact you choose to decline.
I wish you luck and hope true love you find…Mike…x

 

I played it cool, sending a brief note thanking him for the poem.

 

His reply:  ‘mmm your making me all horny…how you feeling…xxxxxxxx’ 

 

Curses!  He must send that same banal poem to every female on the site.  At least he could fix all the spelling mistakes.  But I decided to answer him.

 

‘Oh dear.  Asshole Alert.  Let’s see… Turned off. Revolted. Disappointed. Bored. Where’s that damned thesaurus when you need it?’

 

Unbelievably, he replied, backtracking desperately (I guess the poem doesn’t work that well): ‘sorry like to shock i’m a nice man really honest….xxxxx’

 

So I decided to take the piss: ‘No problem. I write a popular blog and use all the trash I get from POF. And my traffic simply goes through the roof when it’s another ‘More Emails from Bottom Dwellers’ entry.  This week was a little exiguous; a deaf guy on a motorcycle, a black dude who wanted to be my ‘Night’, and then…YOUR’S!  A really big ‘Thanks’.  I just hate disappointing my readers.

 

Maybe he can’t read?  Or he wouldn’t know sarcasm if it jumped up and bit him on the tush.  ‘lol i’m a sweety really honest…….i appologise and send warm hugs…..you really seem like a nice girl and yes sexy……but i expect you already know that sweetheart….xxxxxxxx’

 

I guess it’s time to be more direct.  ‘I’m not the sort of woman you’re looking for. And you’re not even remotely what I’m looking for in a man.

A bit of unsolicited advice, Mike.  Try using a modicum of self control: refrain from the tacky sexual innuendos until the third or fourth email at least.

 

Oh… and correct the damned typos in your poem before you send it out again.’

 

Apparently Mike is living on a different astral plane than the rest of us.  His God makes men pigs and women desperate.  ‘ …..i’m sure you will find mr right…your a very attractive woman and also have a lovely mind…look after yourself god made you special….xxxxxxxx’

 

Duh!  I know that, Stupid!

 

June 24

CAN WE TALK?

God, I had this horrible nightmare.  I was in bed with this gorgeous 30 year old guy.  It was going absolutely brilliantly, except everything we said appeared on the ceiling in a dialogue cloud.  LongestCircumcisedDickinSurrey69 said: ‘U r so sesy hun!’ on my ceiling.  I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t get a tummy ache.  Then the idiot said: ‘Dew u no what i wanna dew 2 u now?”   I had peeked; I couldn’t help it.  I opened my eyes and read it. Big mistake.  “i fink u need 2 leav” I whispered onto the cloud and in his adorable ear (the one with the three piercings). Then, fortunately, I woke up before he could say another bloody word.

 

Yes…it’s time!  More emails from my overflowing in-box on POF.

 

A Special Mention this week to Herestrouble!!, last week’s Turd of Camberley Award winner.

 

I sent him the blog last week.  I thought he should know that he took top honors.  Apparently, this guy just can’t be insulted.  This week, he’s still trying to undo that first impression: ‘Hi thanks for the advice the other week, no fool like an old fool….but learn’t a great lesson….keep it up your a real sweetheart…mike…x’   I guess he’s hoping I’ll just overlook my second, third and fourth impressions, which were identical to the first.

 

And kudos to BoyToyinKent1502.  He actually read practically the whole damned blog and made some clever and astute comments.  He might be worth a second look.

 

MagicFingers777 is 54 and confesses ‘I really need a nice cuddle’.  Aw!  Was his mother mean to him?  Was he a ‘middle child’?  His email: ‘hiya hun great piccy xxxx’

 

 Okay.  What did this moron just say?  Yeah.  Yeah.  I got ‘hiya hun’.  I can now translate almost everything they write.  But what the hell is a ‘piccy’?  Is he referring to my boobs?  People talk about ‘pikeys’, at least that’s how I thought it was spelled.  But I’m from Philadelphia and I do not reside in a caravan, not even when I’m visiting the Garden State Parkway.

 

  Dear Magic (hey, do you play basketball? That would be such a coincidence!): Although I am Italian, I only speak English.  And that’s a problem, believe me, when the Consulate in London reaches out and touches me. I get so confused.  But I digress.

 

Your email confused me, too.  But I often am.  Confused, I mean.  I mean I am, if you know what I’m saying, all the time; I’m just confused about 75% of it.   What, pray tell, is a ‘piccy’?  What language are you speaking?’

 

Poor MagicFingers777’s fingers obviously lost their magic ability to type.  He didn’t reply.

 

Big_mo198 is 18.  That poor, poor child. ‘ i play cricket and have played it for 4 years. i enjoy having a social drink with friends but who doesn’t not realli into clubbing for some reason. im not only looing for relationships but also some fun if u want. i enjoy most music aswell but am open to listen listen to more kinds.’  And for a first date Big M threatens: ‘i would like to go out for a social drink and then go to yours or mine for some fun.’  

 

His email:  ‘hi im most probalby not what your looking for but i would love to be taght a thing or too by an oldy lady. maybe you could be the one xx’   And he sent me a cyber bouquet of flowers.

 

Of course I laughed.  I even read it to the postman who happened to turn up at that exact moment.  I suspect he just likes seeing me in my ‘jammies in the morning.

 

My reply:  ‘Thank you for the flowers, Sweetie.

 

I expect that I could teach you quite a few things.  Like spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

 

“Hi.  I’m probably not whom you’re looking for, but I would love to be taught a thing or two by an older lady.  Maybe you could be the one.”

 

And think about this:  your email is that all important ‘first impression’ ladies will remember about you.

 

Do you want them to think “This child cannot even write a coherent sentence; he’s probably lousy in the sack too”

 

Exactly.’

 

I just love it when they indignantly write back.  Biggie pondered long and hard on this gem: ahhh thank you for the english lesson. It will help me alot. would you like to teach me some other stuff other than the items you suggested. Xx’

 

‘Sure, little guy.  On offer this week: (a) Yiddish; (b) crocheting; (c) making gnocchi from scratch.’

 

TonyH is 28 and in the Army.  ‘hi ya my name is tony i am 28 yr old a single dad and love my son to bits he is my world and would do any thing for him i have been split from ex wife for over 3yrs now,i enjoy playin rugby and also love to watch it im a big Bath fan,but with my job i dont get to watch them as often as i would like to,if u would like to no more please ask.’

 

And his email: ‘Hiya hun wanna chat??????????????’

 

Really.  I can’t help all these guys.  I have responsibilities.  Okay, even if it’s just shopping, it’s a responsibility.

 

Dear Tony:  No.  PS  Just because you didn’t bother turning up too often, I hope you are actually sending your son to school.

 

  George0101 (that’s the number of years he completed at school) ‘: i like to think i am down to earth not with my head in the sky but what u see is what u get i am very out going and good laugh to be with like to make afuss of my i women? in all the right ways. i like most music from 60s to the 90s i dress very smart and wood like my partner to be the same.this is hard to talk about there is a lot more but i have gone brian dead //////////  (Brian’s dead? nobody even told me he was sick!)

 

And on a first date: ‘wood like to go four a meal and wine and talk; to get to no each over.like to see if we have the same out look on life? i liketo go places i go on hoilday three times a year.’

 

George’s classy invitation:  ‘hi lets meet 4 coffee and chat and see where it gos……….george’

 

George, you really, really pissed me off. 

 

‘Um…George?  I thought you wood like to go four a meal and wine and talk on the first, oh-so-important date .  If ‘talk’ is what guys like you euphemistically refer to it as these days.  How come you wood only like to meet me 4 coffee?  Am i two cheep and not good enuf to bye food 4?’

 

Parker6969’s profile didn’t sound too awful:  ‘A Parker (not the nosey kind )Looking for an Un-Shockable Lady Penelope to wait on hand & foot & pamper please Endlessly LOL Within reason – Professional – No Life (ouch) – Well educated – Articulate – A Good Orator !! – Clumsy – Fit ish – Wicked and twisted sense of humour………Pleasant and good mannered – bit of a gent at heart (The Times and a Carnation given half a chance – LOL)’
Oh…but the email – ‘Your Soooo Yummmmy I could eat you xxxx  YOUR PICs wow so sexy xxxx  love TO BE YOUR PRIVATE STRIPPER / MASSEUR ANYTIME – now? LOL I would love to chat with you or cam if you have an MSN or Yahoo addy?? xxx I would love to tease and chat with you angel’

 

Bye-bye, Parker.  Delete!

 

Bigdikkfunnyguy has found the time to get a lot of tattoos in 31 years.  Maybe he started when he was five.  His profile: ‘gosh what do you wana know..just hit me up for a msg,and il be happy to reply i can say im a great guy,love to have a laugh,hate fakes…..love to joke around, i can be naughty,i can be playful,i can be very tempting.lol

And for the first date:  ‘if i told that wouldnt be a suprise.but i could say you would be impressed ‘  I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess the surprise.  He’s really a Dermatologist!  And he’s Jewish!  No.  Probably not what he meant.

 

His email was rather disappointing.  I guess I expected someone with a man muscle that big to…  Forget it.  ‘lovely pics..lovely smile.hehe’

 

And the Turd of Camberley Award this week goes to Olover.  I think perhaps even the actual Turd of Camberley, for whom the award is fondly named, would be in awe of O’s style and fabrication talents.

 

I was waiting for BooBoo to go shopping and, I confess, I got into a little war of words with O, until I got bored and blocked him from emailing me ever again.

 

His profile: ‘hi there im danny hello 2 all, ok bit bout me im tall well over six foot,blonde green eyes stocky muscular build,gsoh fun kind caring   passionate,romantic,got many ints,play the sax and guitar,im also qualified tattooist and piercist,so any lady brave enough im ur man .i love romantic times soft music candle lit meals cuddles holding hands etc also love hols,love maldives dubai and goa so need a lady 2 take and lie on a white beach together i also got bikes and horses so need a pillion i also play rugby so got rugger player bod; but not a broken nose lol’and sorry not got photo up, me and computers arggghhhhh but i got web cam if u want see me but i not 1 these sit naked lol i also do martial arts run my own classes’ 

 

His email: ‘g morning im danny how u ? please get in touch b nice to get 2 know u,and u never know i may take ur fancy’

 

Not too dreadful, I realize, but tattoos, piercings, bikes & horses, the beach?  I hate the beach. 

 

I thought I was polite: ‘No, I don’t think so. But thank you for asking.’

 

Back came an immediate response.  Crap!  I hate when they can’t take a simple ‘no, not if you were the last man left on earth’.  And I so dislike men who whine. ‘sou can tell by my pfofile god ur good’   I believe what O was attempting to say was ‘So, you can tell by my profile.  God, you’re good.’  (I realize you readers don’t all fluently speak cyber-gibberish yet.)

 

Oh my.  No more nice Jewish American Princess.  ‘No, I can tell by your emails. You can’t write an intelligible, grammatical sentence.  I’m looking for someone with whom I can converse and share interests. I find tattoos and body-piercing disgusting. I certainly wish you well, and meant no offence, but I am realistic and I have extremely high standards.’

 

Poor O.  He so wanted the last word.  ‘lol well i went to oxford and studied b a lawyer and got my qualifications spent 7 years guts hospital london, b 4 joining marines and i not being funny but i not the 1 got a piccy on showing her bra off to try look sexy but i fact looking lke Frodo’

 

Shit!  Frodo?  I look like Frodo?  My goddamned ears aren’t pointy.  Well he must be a huge fan. Did he expect me to escort him on a little jaunt from Middle Earth to Mordor and drop my diamonds in the fire at Mt. Doom before he commemorated the event with a tasteful tattoo on my tushie? 

 

But gee, he went to Oxford.  Wait just a minute! When did they lower their standards?  Maybe after Bill Clinton spent a year or two there? How could I have missed that he’s an Oxford man?   Oh.  O was a lawyer, but then he became a marine.  That explains a lot.  Seriously, would you trust him?  He can kill you … or sue you.

 

It’s not a bra; it’s a bathing suit.  It says so right on the picture. 

 

‘This has been fun on a morning where the writing isn’t flowing…

Because the stupid suggestions advised a ‘picture to generate interest’.

Because I thought I looked cute in it; I hate pictures of me usually (although, I must admit, Frodo is a new one; usually I get Alfred E. Newmann or Ted Kopel).

Because I thought men who have a brain as well as a penis would take the time to read the profile and discern that I am for real.

Because I did not realize that Armageddon is upon us and the rules have changed and nobody told me. I guess I was too busy being married and having a normal life.

Because I naively expect the best from people, not the worst.’

 

As a point of information, the emails I share are all real, just the way they showed up on my account at POF.  I just cut and paste them into the blog in all their glory.  And the screen names are real, too.

 

June 30

THE MAILBAG

Somebody on the Garden State actually had the nerve to say that the POF blogs are better than my regular ones.  Like…  stupid twats are more interesting than my clothes and my social life?

 

Never mind.  That couldn’t be.  Drum roll, please.  This week’s seekers of Jeano’s radiance.

 

Dreamweaver456 is 21 and lists his occupation as ‘thrillseeker’ and his sole hobbies & interests as ‘fun loving women’.  I didn’t realize not all women like ‘fun’.  I sure do.  Just put me in a Bloomies or a Century21 and I can have fun for hours.  Days.  Weeks.  His email was succinct: ‘gorgeous pic xxxx’  There are four bloody pictures on there and I’m dressed in all of them.  I swear.

 

‘Dear Dream – Tell me the truth.  When you saw my picture, did you unwittingly start reciting ‘one ring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them’?  If not, then could ya email Olover@pof and tell him he’s a dickweed?  Thanks a whole bunch, Sweetie!’

 

Fitnessinst is a Dentist. Okay.  He’s a fitness instructor, but dentist sounded funnier.   He says: ‘Hi im a geniune guy looking to chat and then meet up and take it from there basically. I love goin away on holidays and also i love goin out whether its clubbing or for a meal and the pub.  I love reggae music and rnb. I love goin gym and i also like playing rugby which is my fav sport.’  And he promises the first date will be a ‘surprize’.  His email: ‘hi hun howz u’  Well, hell.  He spoiled the ‘surprize’.  I just assumed he was dumb; now I’m absolutely certain.

 

I know that I’m fussy and a bit of a snob, but SmallBoobsOnly left me speechless.  ‘A lawyer living in NW London and working in the West End into boats,holidays,and slim women with small, waists, hips etc. (ideally size 6 8 or 10)  not alcholics or druggies. She must be intelligent, tactile, affectionate and with a touch of class willing, if necessary, to travel to London.  I am looking for somebody with whom I can share good humoured conversation, debate, culture, a glass or two of good wine, laughs and new challenges and adventures and experiences. Somebody who is fun, opinionated, generous of heart, caring and loving, confident, interacts and communicates, but lets her guard down now and then and will truly bond with passion and love to create a partnership that will last for ever. She needs to be sexy, attractive and wear great clothes.’   His email: ‘I think we could connect on many different levels’.

 

Golly.  This is tough.  Okay.  ‘Sexy’.  Check.  ‘Attractive’. Check.  ‘Wear great clothes’.  I have so nailed this one!  MegaCheck.  My boobs are small.  Many… some… a few of my clothes are size 10.  Whew!  I was worried.

 

My email:  ‘Sorry but only a Jewish Dermatologist called Dr. Wolf Saperstein can get away with requirements like yours. And only if the rock is at least 10 carats.’

 

Igniton1979 (do you suppose he meant ‘ignition’ but didn’t know how to spell it?)  had a pretty boring profile but for the first date he thought we should meet ‘some place where we could be ‘ourselfs’.  He wants to meet on the third floor at Bloomingdales?  Okay.  If you’re sure.  And his gem: : ‘wow and wow again ,you are livinmg proof that britian has got talent’

 

Oh come on.  I had to‘Maybe it does, but I wouldn’t know.  I’m an Italian citizen.”

 

Francis988 is 26.  His interests are going out with his mates, football and the gym.   And his profile: ‘looking for a bit of fun, meet up see what happens have a laugh, make friends. Interests including going out with mates drinking, training at the gym, footy and usual stuff.’  In case you didn’t understand it the first time.  Oh!  Do you like football, the gym and going out with your mates?  I never even consider a man who doesn’t absolutely live for those.  And for the first date: ‘see what happens’   Yeah; that works for me.  How about ‘not showing up?’   His missive: ‘hope you’re having a good weekend so far – what are your plans for today? im in basingstoke so not far!  danny x

 

‘Actually it is….light years away.

 

 Let’s see… My plans today:  (1) training at the gym; (2) footy (I’m doing the entire Tottenham Spurs team today including the water boys); (3) hanging at the pub drinking with my mates.  Just an ordinary boring Sunday for me, I’m afraid. 

 

You?  Discovering a cure for cancer?  Negotiating a peace treaty in Gaza?  Protesting human rights violations in Sri Lanka? Oh. The gym.  Footie. Drinking with your mates.  Quell surprise!’

 

SanaG007 lists his interests as ‘looking for women’.  In fact, that is all his profile says.  He got around filling in the various sections by just typing xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx endlessly.  ‘hi good looking nice pics. i would love to get to know u better .xx im 25’

My answer:  ‘Hi, Little Boy.  Funny.  I wouldn’t like to get to know you… at all.’

 

1sexi1 says among the other inane comments in his profile that ‘im whitty’   He says his interests are sports, socializing and women.  Is it just me, or do you see a pattern here?  Of course, when he reaches the ripe old age of 22, perhaps he’ll expand those interests to include world hunger, global warming and hip hop music.  He cautions female POF-ers  in his about me section: ‘If you view my profile.. Message me, don’t be shy, or else I’ll think you viewed me and didn’t like, You don’t want to upset me now , do you .. ? :P’   His email: ‘ur sexy xxx’   I didn’t think it was possible to ever get tired of hearing a man say that.  Take my word for it; I am.

 

Since 1sexi1 is so whitty, I’m sure he got a chuckle out of my clever, satirical reposte.  ‘I viewed your profile.  I didn’t like.  Sorry you’re now desperately upset.’

 

Laira1943 is 29.  He claims his interests are ‘all sorts’ which I believe is a candy.  He couldn’t come up with anything to put for a first date.  I guess he got brain overload writing his about me section:  ‘hello one and all just looking for good friends to chat to and maybe one day to hock up for a laugh and for a drink and maybe for the odd get together and some were or over sometime hope to talk soon’

Jesus Wept!  His email: ‘hi ya wow what can i say but what a wonderful woman you have lovely eyes and a lovely smile
i am peter 30 from hounslow in middlesex i am single and i am on herer looking for new friernds and maybe to find that special someone could it be you theres me wishing lol. i like most things in life i love my music and i love a good film. i like going out doing bowling, ice skating and yes im ok on skates as i have my own lol, i like going to the cinemas and the usual stuff i am quiet happy staying in and cooking a meal for my family or even taking my lady out for a meal at a local restrauant and a quiet drink.  i like to go for drives and walks in the country and i like going for walks in the woods and i would love to go for a walk by the seaside on a summers sunset with the lady i love in my arms.
not sure what else to say apart from if you fancy a chat then message me back here hope to hear from you soon all the best and take care
peter xxxx’

 

Um…Sweetie.  Did you get confused?  Don’t be embarrassed; it happens to us all.  And some more than others.  That part where it said ‘profile’?  That’s where you were supposed to put the long, rambling dissertation.  That little part that started ‘hello’ should have been the email.  Get it now?

 

My reply:  ‘Sweetie…Sweetie… Sweetie…  I seem to have gone off ‘Peters’ for the foreseeable future. 

 

I never say this….

 

Can I please, please, please rewrite your bloody profile?  And send you a few sample emails (25 crisp, concise, evocative words or less) to use in future?’

 

And the Turd of Camberley award winner this week is Duranz.  The good news is he’s a doctor (he didn’t say what kind).  The crappy news is he’s 28 and Indian.  A profile from a doctor: ‘well…i am just here to look for someone interesting. thatz about. I live and work in london. been pretty busy…the usual work week….and weekends..thatz abt it. just wanted to break all the monotony. anyway yup. love indie uk bands…thatz it.’  I swear on my Paulies and SmallBoobsOnly’s Ralph Lauren’s that I didn’t make that up. 

 

His email, though, was magic to my ears… eyes… parts of me.  ‘‘Shalom.  I matriculated at Johns Hopkins in Balty and did my internship and residency at Sloan-Kettering in the Big Apple whilst simultaneously revising for my Bar Mitzvah at Rodeph Zion Yeshiva.‘

 

Oh, for fuck’s sake!  Of course I made that up.  What he actually said was: ‘so ure a writer????’

 

I almost felt bad.  My reply:  ‘Yesz I am.  So ure a doctor??? r u shurez???”

 

July 02

AND EVEN MORE MAIL…

I know I shouldn’t spoil you; blogs don’t just appear out of thin air because you wished upon a star and you’re dying to read the next installment.  This has been a very busy week in my real life, and on POF.  But I was ‘In the Zone’ writing an email blast on ‘optimal values achieved from IT projects’ and I thought ‘this reminds me of some of those wankers who emailed this week…’

 

So here goes.  This was such a banner crop, I simply couldn’t settle on one to win the prestigious Turd of Camberley award this week.  I guess they’re all really ‘winners’.

 

GetCarter1962 is just looking for encounters with woman. ‘,,,meets,,,more n more,,,dont care if u smoke as long as its very light,,,build dont care,,,,bring it on oh! by the way if you keep on looking at my profile ,,message me ,, dont bite! wine and dinner are sometimes included lol ‘

 

So many guys; so little time (what with shopping, who has time for ‘meets’).

 

‘PeanutGuy – Such a relief!  Wine and dinner are a welcome bonus to you but really not necessary, as long as I can fire up a Marlboro afterwards.’

 

BabyFaceJay is 5’6” and 26; his waist is 46 and his IQ is 66  – Yo Hello my Earthlings! lol x well I’m Jay, I’m 25 yrs old and my nicknames > babyface snoop° partly because I make music, write songs – R&B and other mixure’s… Produce movies to DVD – HD – blue-ray etc… I used to be a hair stylist but I felt like having a chance into doing some think more fun and practical so now I work self employed – repairing gadgets, phones, computers etc. . .
I’m mixed race, brown eyes, black funky hair, I’ve got my eye brow pierced with a hoop and my ears pierced. I’m a vegetarian and have been all my life!! might be why I’ve still got that baby face at 25 rarrr x
I’d describe myself as a genuine – down to earth – intelligent – kind – caring – honest – easy going – affectionate – fun loving – naughty but nice 😉
I’m into movies, music, dancing, ufology – astronomy, cinerma, fun nights out, fun nights staying in,
just like having good fun times in life – go with the flow

I’m looking to meet a Intelligent, good personality, easy going, honest, kind, caring, fun loving girl, who likes lots of cuddles kisses, hot loving, watching movies together, cinerma, bowling etc. . . . good times out, fun nights staying in and seeing different places….

No one is perfect not even me! but I’m just beginning honest here so I have to say this one thing: If you’re the type of person who’s b*tchy, moody, aggressive, paranoid, very controlling, player, can’t put in no time and In 2 different minds all the time ( 1 minute nice – next minute nasty ) then dont contact me please!! because I don’t need a mentally ill moody girl in my life! 


I know it sounds harsh but you know it’s true x I know none of you girls would want someone like that because it’s not kool. . . If I’ve offended anyone then i’m sorry!’

 

And for the first date, Baby has come up with a novel idea: ‘do somethin fun’  Talking to Baby would probably be enough fun to last anyone a lifetime.

 

His email:  ‘how r u?  sexy’   I know; it drives me up the wall too.  Did he mean ‘how r u, sexy?’ or ‘ how r u? U r sexy’?  I wish they could be a little clearer. 

 

Dyin4abit lives in Horney-in-the-Sac, UK or so he claims.   I couldn’t find it on MapQuest.  ‘would like some sexy emails to spice up my life
my wife hates sex and im fed up. just need some fun the saucier the better.  i got deleted for some reason if we spoke before re add me to faves its depressing starting on here again..ive managed to keep the same username. had loads of favourites. x love tattoed boobs and naughtyness’

 

I wonder why he got kicked off the site.  He just wants some penpals.  I had a penpal when I was ten.  She lived in France.  She did not expect ‘benefits’ or pictures of me without my clothes.

 

Anyway, FreakGuy’s email was actually too graphic to reproduce.  It was all about…  Use your imagination.  And your ‘inside voice’ when you go ‘Eew!’.

 

GreenMark has a partner but:  ‘on here looking for that little extra fun in my life,not after marriage justfun fun fun with like minded lady or 2,lol.I can hold a good conversation on most subjects and have avery broad minded out klook on life’.  His interests include ‘reading, nature, sport and oral sex’.

His email: ‘shokced when i saw your phoot thought you was in mid 20’s not 50 your weell fit and tasty love mark xxx ‘

 

My email: ‘Shocked when I read your profile, followed by that truly pathetic email.  You’re disgusting.’

 

Art Lover’s profile was a work of art.  Hello my name is Guarionex, but my friends just call me Guario. I am a down-to-earth life long New Yorker, a Hispanic-American (English is my first language (speak Spanish poorly)). I am not the party animal type and hate games. I’ve worn nice suits, but prefer jeans. I have a master in sociology, but make my living in art.

I consider myself an artist and absolutely LOVE art, especially fine art abstract photography…have had gallery shows, been in magazines, in many collections, all over the net, etc. I work long hours on my art and it becomes hard to meet a nice lady. A lady who will respond when, for no reason, I suddenly hold her hand and also understand that, at times, I will need a little space. A woman who knows that a pair consist of two ones. I feel a good relationship begins with honest conversation from both sides; a solid friendship is the best foundation. Along with art I also like history. My TV viewing consists mostly of PBS.

Keeping it real I must state that I’m a smoker and have been separated for nearly four years now. I would like to find someone that is an artist or, at least, into the arts.

Ladies, one small request please have a RECENT photo of your self. Most of you state you are looking for an honest gentleman, honesty starts with your photo.

 

And for the first date: What I would most seek in a first date is Truth, for it will be the foundation on to which we can build. Perhaps we would build a house of Friendship, perhaps a cottage of love, perhaps both … but truth is the required tool in the building.

A small meeting in a coffee shop, a walk in Central Park … a quiet, small “getting to know you” moment. It does matter what you wear, but want you say and, just as important, what you think.’

 

 His email was a poem:

‘A woman walks down a street
And the guys on the corner stop
Stop working
Stop talking
Their bodies still
Their eyes darting
And when she has passed
They say
“did you see that?
She’s hot,
very hot”

After seeing your photos, hot is too cold a word. ‘

 

Wow!  This guy sounds hot!  I want to build a cottage of love!  I have some cute painters overalls that I hardly ever wear.  Let my fingers do the walking and email him back pronto.  Coffee sounds nice…  Wait a minute!!! In Central Park?  Isn’t that, like, in New York?  He must have meant Hyde Park.  Silly Guario.  Nope.  He lives in New York.  Maybe he doesn’t speak English as well as he thinks.  Maybe they didn’t offer ‘World Geography’ as an elective while he was getting that Master’s Degree.

 

‘Dear Artie – When do you arrive in England?  I need to clear my diary and hit the DIY.’

 

BathToy is interviewing for the coveted slot of his mistress.  I confess.  I have been very bad and have led him on.  As with all the cheaters on the site, he doesn’t have a picture up.  His profile says: ‘In a long term relationship, that has got mundane and boring but I don’t want to end it. I want to find a new playmate to put a bit of sparkle in both our lives. Don’t want to wreck any relationships. Someone with time during the day would be ideal, evenings are difficult for me although not totally impossible, and a place to be alone together occasionally would be a bonus just in case there’s a spark, but again, not strictly necessary though. I’m tall, and fairly good looking, even sexy!! (I’m told) but you’d have to judge for yourself on that one…lol. Your age, build & looks etc. are not important to me as long as you have a personality. I’m good company with a irreverent sense of humour and well mannered. I’m also very discrete (would expect the same from you).’   As everyone knows, I am the soul of discretion.  Oh, so what? 

 

Mike, is that you again?  Wow!  That ‘Writing Skills for Bottom Feeders’ I picked up for 2 quid at Sam and sent you really helped. A lot.  I sure hope Karen doesn’t open your mail!  Glad to see you specified that ‘evenings are difficult’ part and a masterful stroke hinting that she’d better have her own place ‘cause you’re not about to pop for even a ‘By the Hour’ Motel, let alone a meal.  And ‘mundane’ and ‘boring’ sounds way better than ‘clinically depressed and not giving me any nooky’’.  That bullshit about the ‘personality’ was a tad overdone, though.  You guys all say that on here.  Except for SmallBoobsOnly, and, seriously, how many shags is he scoring?  Anyway, Sweetie, B+!   PS When did you move to Guildford?

 

BathToy is hoping to come over and ‘interview me’ next week.  HaHaHaHaHa!

 

Ra.om is my first guy of ‘that persuasion’.  He’s from Amman, but actually most of the people in England are, in fact, Arabs, so it was only a matter of time. ‘Im just nice caring and pasinate guy straight ,i have many friends and i like to spend time with them if i have that time..lol
romantic if there r girl worth that and i think all ppl nice if u have that pure heart and mind.’
  I hate when they start that ‘pure heart and mind’ crap.  My heart and mind are fine… just the way they are.

 

His email: ‘hello how r u? u look so cute’

 

‘Dear Ramah-ramah Ding Dong – I may look ‘cute’ but I must confess.  Not a virgin.  Gave that slice of heaven up many Ramadans ago after a Grateful Dead concert in Cambridge.  It seemed like a fine idea at the time.   (The one in Massachusetts; yeah, I’m a card carrying member of that Evil Empire …and I’m Jewish, too .  Gee. It’s really not your day, huh, Mustapha?)  So I guess I can’t be waiting for you after you blow up Westminster Abbey or Big Ben and yourself. Shalom.’

 

Dins1960 is ‘looking for a beautiful sexy lady’.  Yeah, well I’m looking for a Jewish Cardiologist named Wolfie.  Everybody’s looking for something.  It’s a fucking epidemic.  And Dins is…how can I say this nicely… U. G. L. Y.

 

I m a fun loving guy, just out for a good time. Still like clubbing and enjoying life!!! Varied taste in music. I m a nutter! Want to be a millionaire!!!
Want to travel the world! Would enjoy sitting in with a beautiful lady with a good dvd and a nice bottle of wine’ 
And for the first date: ‘Take you to the moon and back!!!’

 

Sure.  And you’ll probably expect me to handle the tickets and passports and stuff ‘cause I used to be a tour escort.  And I’ve probably been to the moon already.  Maybe that crazy trip to Austria.  I didn’t remember being in Innsbruck until I saw Lisa’s pictures.  We could have made a pit stop on the Moon.

 

Astronaut Guy likes outer space so much, his email carried on with that theme: ‘Would like to take you to the stars and watch you explode’

 

Gee, thanks.  Did you have to pick a Black Hole or Super Nova?  Couldn’t we just go to Orion?

 

‘Why don’t you go first?  On a one-way ticket.’ 

 

 

 

May 24

THE DATING GAME

I’ve decided to go into business; my own little ’cottage industry’ whereby I will make a million bucks in the comfort of my own little pink house at my computer wearing my Eagles ‘jammies.

 

I will write Emails for the Clueless and Inarticulate.  Yeah, that’s the working title for my new endeavor.  I realize it might need a bit of tweaking.

 

As I’d mentioned, I’m back on the dating sites.  I’m sorry but it’s just an urban myth that I’m going to meet the Jewish Dermatologist of My Dreams shopping for raddichio in the Produce Section of Sainsbury’s on a Wednesday night.  (Parking his Jaguar in their carpark would be a bloody nightmare for starters.)  And he probably shops at Whole Foods anyway.

 

I digress.

 

I rewrote my profile, eschewing all those big whoppers about Miss Italia 1992 and a Doctorate in Biochemistry from the University of Saskatchewan.  (I always use Saskatchewan; the capitol is ‘Regina’.  Clever, heh?)   I just said that I was 50-ish, intelligent, sophisticated, well-traveled, a writer and a graduate of Ruby’s Beauty Class- with a 14 – so drop-dead gorgeous and  dressed stunningly.  Simple enough.  And true.

 

What was I looking for?  The same things, obviously; except Ruby’s Beauty Class and being a writer are optional.  Although metrosexual men never scream when they open the Amex bill; they so understand.

 

There are simply not words in any of the languages I speak to describe the emails I’ve gotten. 

 

Female readers, if you own a man already, be nicer to him.  (Unless, of course, you’re Karen, and the aforementioned male is Turd of Camberley.  You just carry on making his life utter hell.) 

 

There is nobody out there.  Oh sure, they might have penises, but they don’t have a brain.  Or anything else, (i.e. class, style) including a working knowledge of the English language.

 

Initially, I just deleted the dumbest emails and the ones whose picture was ‘sitting on my motorcycle without my shirt looking really, really stupid’.  

 

Then I thought I really should answer that 25 year old suave talking guy with plenty of free time since he’s on the dole who inquired ‘hey, hunnie how u b?’

 

‘Dear Tongue69:  I am quite well.  Thank you for asking.  Since my Medicare Part B has (finally) kicked in I’m having that pesky prolapsed bladder attended to.  It certainly got in the way when I had unbridled sex with my last boytoy.  He said the reason he dumped me was because he had to take a cram course for his SATs (he failed them twice; can you believe it?) but I think that wasn’t true.  It was the grey hairs down there.  When can you get to Weybridge?’

 

Tongue69 didn’t write back.  Maybe he didn’t get the ‘American’ references, but I didn’t know the English equivalents…

 

Then I thought I could have written a much better introductory email to me for Tongue69.

 

‘Dear Madam:  I was perusing the profiles on POF.  Your picture and profile intrigued and captivated me.  While it is true that I am younger than you, I have always had an affinity for more mature ladies.  I learn so much from them.  May I take you to dinner at the Waterside Inn (4 stars in the Guide Michelin)?’

 

Now isn’t that an improvement?  I bet Tongue69 could have gotten laid a few times if he used my email.  Not by me, but there must be at least a couple of desperate women out there in cyberland.  Of course, the Waterside Inn is very expensive, but they probably wouldn’t have let him in anyway.  I saw his picture.  Trust me.

 

Or how about Obama Luther X – I’m not making that up. 

 

‘Me here in London you supply coffee me digestives I show you me damn special.” (And I didn’t make that up either.)

 

Here’s what I’d suggest, Sweetie…  Oh, and it might be a good idea to familiarize yourself with the ‘period’ key.  It’s on the bottom row, next to the comma.  Ask your mate, Malcolm X, to explain what a ‘comma’ is.

 

‘Dear Fabulous Italian American Lady:  Black is Beautiful! Power to the People!  Shout it loud: I’m Black and I’m Proud, if a tad unsophisticated.  May I take you to afternoon tea at the Ritz?  I simply adore older women.  They have lived and have so much wisdom to impart.  I await your reply with cautious optimism.’

 

Quite.  Osama Luther X would have gotten laid too. 

 

Nibbleyou, to be fair, tried to be clever.  ‘Are you writing right now?  Or doing something else?”

 

Hey, if I’m not writing, I’m shopping.  I decided he deserved an answer.

 

‘Hello, Nibbleyou:  Yes, I’m past deadline on a Q&A article for a website on the Italian Consulate in San Francisco and the specific requirements of the Homeland Security Letter attesting to non-American citizenship naturalization and why the ones from state agencies are not acceptable.  Some other consulates will accept them.   The requirements simply cry out for uniformity!  Gee, I hope that was a serious question, ‘cause I answered it!’

 

Nibbleyou didn’t write back either.  Strange.

 

But I would have said to me:  “Hello!  You’re a writer.  How utterly fascinating!  It takes a special talent to transfer one’s thoughts and feelings to paper.  Can I take you to lunch at the fab buffet at Divine Harrods just to listen to your stream of consciousness?’

 

Ditto for Nibbleyou and the getting nooky thingy if I wrote it.

 

Skipping over the married ones with wives in iron lungs or seriously depressed and on anti-depressants (Delete!  Delete!  Delete!  Yo, Mike!  It’s me, you mamzer!) there was Happy69erLove.  ‘god u look gr8!  so sexy.  Yummy! XXXXXXX’

 

For only 5 quid (7.50 if I spelled everything ‘English’) Happy69erLove could have said: ‘Gosh, you look stunning for a 50-ish lady.  And if I may be so bold, you are quite sexy.  Would you be interested in attending an Emili Ametlier exhibit inspired by the writings of Cervantes as a way of getting to know each other?  Provided you are keen on Spanish history, naturally.’

 

Happy69erLove probably would have been quite happy after he sent the email I wrote. 

 

Im Ur Prince certainly needs someone to explain to him that ‘your’ is spelled…  oh, you know how it’s spelled!  I’ve seen his picture; he’s the toad before the beautiful JAP kissed him.  And what can the answer be to ‘hello, babe how r u 2day?’  I couldn’t think of one—that wasn’t sarcastic, mean and nasty.  My reply: ‘Dear Im Ur Prince – me be okay.  Does u no u r STUPID?’

 

I fear even I could not help Im Ur Prince get laid.

 

My favorite, so far, has to be SeamLover, who wrote (pretty articulately) that he was in Majorca and it was sunny there.  ‘How nice for you’ I replied.  Do I give a rat’s ass if some idiot is in Majorca and it’s sunny? 

 

Back came his reply:  ‘What is your favourite time of the day?  What do you like to do when you have free time?  Fav color?  Drink? Film?’

 

Okay.  So it’s either now raining in Majorca or SeamLover is several cards short of a full deck.

 

‘Dear Seam (can I call you ‘Seam’ on such short acquaintance?) Favourite time of day:  9:30 AM – when Bloomingdale’s opens.

 

What do I like to do in my free time?  Shop (see fav time of day)

 

Fav color?  I recently did this Beauty Class with Ruby (she’s amazing…really) and I’m a Warm Autumn (I had my colors done; Pinkie is a Cool Winter—damn her—so she gets all the really good colors and I don’t) so anyway I guess it would be ‘Biscuit’, but not the English kind, the American kind like when you bake Betty Crocker biscuits in a 325 degree oven for twelve minutes.  Any longer and it’s more like ‘Toast’ and I don’t look fabulous in ‘Toast’.

 

Fav drink?  Gatorade and pickle juice (if it’s good enough for the Philadelphia Eagles when they go to Big D, it’s good enough for me.)

 

Fav film?  Tough one, Seam.  I would have to say ‘Brian’s Song’ or any Igmar Bergman film.  I so relate to depressed Scandinavians.  Why don’t they get some anti-depressants?’

 

I keep checking every hour, but SeamLover hasn’t replied yet.

 

June 11

YOU BEGGED FOR MORE

Back by popular demand, even more not very close encounters on POF.

 

Okay.  I’m now seriously addicted to my email on Plentyoffish.  I check for new messages every hour.  I can’t get enough of really lame missives from eager suitors vying for the hand (well some anatomy part) of unquestionably one of the most popular Princesses on the site.  I am on 23 blokes’ Favorites’ List.  Don’t get jealous; I’m sure I recognized ten of them from Interpol’s Most Wanted List.

 

Maybe the rest ‘share’ rejection stories and bruised manly feelings in a special, secret Chat Room called ‘That Bloody JAP Really Gave Me Some Fucking Attitude’. 

 

I always check their profile before I read the email.  A tiny part of me keeps hoping it will say: ‘I’m a Jewish Dermatologist and I own the entire county of Hampshire including all castles and stately homes.  I enjoy motoring around the French Riviera in my 200’ yacht, the Bella Regina (crew of sixteen).  I drive a Jaguar usually, unless it’s in the shop and I make do with the Porsche. It’s a tight fit; I’m 6’3”!   I only shop at Whole Foods for the ingredients for the Cordon Bleu meals I whip up for that special Jewish American Princess during those romantic evenings pour deux in my cozy 23 bedroom McMansion. I can’t get enough of watching Real, Proper American Football games on my 162” Plasma TV; especially the Dallas Cowboys.’  (Nobody said he had to be perfect.)    Maybe Dr. Saperstein’s email is buried in my spam folder by mistake.

 

But I get really disappointed when the emails aren’t funny or kinky enough.

 

NiceBlokeinKent:  “Hi.  I liked your straightforward profile.  How long have you been in England and why are you here?  What do you write?  Have I read anything you’ve written?

 

My reply:  ‘Yo, Buddy!  What’s your problem?  Couldn’t think of anything dumb or dirty to write?  Maybe you don’t have an imagination.  Unless, of course, that was some sort of pornographic ‘code’ that I missed?  Have a boring day—like your email.’

 

Nope, I like the ones from guys like Wolveslad.  His profile says: ‘I am 5/11 med  built blue eyes brown hair i have 2 taas and 3 bodypiercings i like all sports and i live life to the full i want to share y life wit someone. Looking for woman to spoil on first date hoefully it will lead to a second i will go to he pics and maybe a resturent or whatever the woman wants.’  Is there a woman alive strong enough to resist such blandishments?  And his email…  such prose!  ‘Wow!’  (That was it.)

 

I responded in kind.  ‘Ugh!’

 

Wolveslad, poor idiot, was unfazed.  Or he thought those were the international call letters for an orgasm achieved simply by thinking about meeting him.  ‘Ur sexy!’

 

Oh dear.  Tit for tat again?  Why even try.  ‘You are not, not even remotely’.

 

Kevinloveshoney made me realize that I should have dubbed myself as ‘JeanoAdoresLouisVuitton’.  I guess we should start as we mean to go on and all that crap.

 

‘hi how are you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxlooking for someone for a bit of fun fun fun.’

 

‘Sure, Sweetie.  But I’m expensive expensive expensive.’

 

Lofty234 was direct.  ‘I much prefer ladies older than myself.  I don’t know if you would consider a younger man and a sexually based relationship.  If you would then I’d love to hear from you.’

 

“Well hell; when you put it like that… What woman could say ‘no’?  Unless, of course, she has a brain and a modicum of self-respect.  Um…NO!’

 

Afterdark69 was very tempting.  divorced with 3 children , medium build green eyes and short shaved hair (on my head )
Enjoy the simple things in life caring 4 my children they are girl 7 boy 11 and girl 13 Would like someone special in my life to enjoy things with , if you have children thats fine , dnt like being alone lol . I have 2 jack russels so walks in the country are good as are family days out .’

 

Wow, a short guy with a shaved head and three brats.  And two dogs.  Maybe my life isn’t so perfect the way it is.  And he promises (or threatens; you be the judge) ‘Our first date , well maybe a drink then a meal maybe an indian ? I’m easy lol then whatever followed from that , i’m tactile so maybe a walk home holding hands and a kiss goodnite at your door step lol’   Yeah right.  He’s going to find out where I live so he can drop off the dogs and the brats for me to doggy-bratty sit so he can get all tactile with some unwed mother from Brixton.

 

His email:  ‘hi you look great maybe we could chat n meet ?

 

My reply:  ‘Maybe we could.  On second thought, no, we couldn’t. Not ever.’

 

But the Wanker of the Week and hands down winner of the Turd of Camberley award has to be Woo69d.

 

Reading his profile, he is The Man; the one every woman is desperately seeking.  It’s all about connecting with someone… with sensitivity, passion, laughter, communication, and trust. Maybe it will be a shared passion for music, film and theatre that will draw us to each other, as well as a love of travel, dining (out and at home), outdoor adventures, and good times with friends and family. You should know that I am warm, fun-loving, affectionate and thoughtful, with a quiet confidence, both a serious and a silly side, as well as a lively sense of humor. I seek a relationship where I can share passions and feelings with a partner who, has experienced much of the world, yet retains a curiosity and desire for that still to be discovered.

The woman I am drawn to is warm, giving, easy-going, communicative, playful … someone tender, settled yet adventurous … who savors touch and long soulful kisses. Is emotionally expressive, enjoys cultural pursuits, travel, and has a lively appreciation for food. Someone who loves feeling connected, looking forward to beginning and ending each day with one special person. She is ready to invest her emotions and her time in a real relationship. Her life is balanced and good, but she knows it would be better, more complete, with a loving companion. She enjoys fun and sharing the simple pleasures. We will bring out the best in each other as friends and lovers.’

 

Golly.  I had tears in my eyes.  It’s too damned bad that his mom, or his sister, or some other entrepreneurial female ghost-wrote his profile.  I bet she charged him like…  at least 10 quid.

 

I excitedly opened his email, anxious to discover even more of his lyrical tender soul.

 

It was two simple yet evocative words:  ‘Wanna shag?’

  

June 07

DON’T DRINK THE COFFEE!

Well another one bites the dust.  FSGuy is history.

 

We had a date scheduled for Friday night.  About 6:00 I got a text.  His mother had been taken quite ill and he would call me when he could.  Of course, he didn’t call. 

 

Adonai Wept!  Is there a book out there titled ’50 Transparent Excuses for Unimaginative Sheygetses’?  Come on, you can tell me.  I thought ‘Gee, that sounded kind of familiar…. Where have I heard that particular ‘dog ate my homework’ excuse before?”  

 

Then I remembered, so I wrote myself a memo:

 

To: Jeano; From: Jeano; Subject: edit the ‘New Guy Questionnaire’.  After the foreskin question and before the D&B Financial Statements, add:  #17 – Do you, or anyone in your extended nuclear family, currently have a mother?  If yes, 17a) is she prone to strokes or ‘bad turns’ suspiciously just prior to the commencement of a date; and 17b) does she often die, resulting in your being unavailable for long periods of time ostensibly ‘making funeral arrangements’.

 

Oh hell…Question #63 for added peace of mind:  Are you always prepared, like a JAP or a Boy Scout?  Do you always remember to brush your teeth and charge your mobile?

 

I declined going to the pub with the blokes, and decided to answer some of my emails on Plentyoffish to vent my annoyance.  I’d been saving a few choice specimens for just such an occasion. 

 

I have to add here that my screen name is ‘Wet in Weybridge’.  Although that nom de guerre had been used in another context in a prior life, I meant it to relate to the incessant rain here.  My profile is straightforward and grown-up, and nowhere does it even hint ‘I’m naked here in Weybridge just waiting for you to come and shag me senseless!”

 

Apparently, they read what they want to read. (If, in fact, they can read.)

 

From Jamesrb69:  ‘Cor u look grate how are u hope speake soon’  Little Jimmy’s profile says that he is 19.

 

My reply:  ‘Sweetie… does your mother know you’re using her computer to troll for women?  I’m 52, educated, etc. etc.  What could we possibly find to speake about?’

 

Boxerxxx is 26 going on eleven.  ‘do u like young willy xx’

 

My reply:  ‘Sorry.  I’ve not met Young Willy.  Does he live in Weybridge?  I do know ‘Deaf Peter’ at the Senior Center where I volunteer.’

 

Ashenden1470, another youthful Cassanova in training, went with ‘hey there hows u hun?’

 

My reply: ‘First of all, sonny boy, I’m not your ‘hun’.  Secondly, maybe you should invest in a grammar and punctuation manual before you email a university educated writer in future.  May I correct it for your next suave missive?  “Hey, there.  How are you, Hun?”  That would be grammatically passable if seriously trite and banal.’

 

Diamondgeeza is fond of ‘sound effects’: ‘wet mmmmmm is it raining? awwwww’

 

My reply:  ‘It’s not actually raining at the moment, but stay tuned!  It usually does rain in England, hence my choice of the sobriquet ‘wet in Weybridge’.  What does ’mmmmmm’ mean?  Is that British slang?  I do still have difficulty with your vernacular.  Who says American and British are a common language?  Not I!  I also did not understand ‘awwwww’.  Same posers as above.  I fear we would find any conversation between us incomprehensible.’ 

 

DaveyDavey aimed for subtlety and cleverness.  Hey, he tried‘HI Wet, are you? UP to anything esciting?

 

My reply:  ‘No, it’s not raining so I’m dry and cozy watching ‘Brian’s Song’ for the five hundredth time.  I love that movie!  It is so exciting and it always makes me cry when Brian dies.’

 

TezB chose to model a not very attractive naked chest (with tattoos) posed on his motorcycle.  ‘hi there im terry do u want to get together x’

 

My reply:  ‘Absolutement!  I’ve been waiting for this moment all of my life.’

 

And there are more where those came from!  But I’ll save them for another blog when I’m bored again.

 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  I actually heard from Obama Luther X again.  Life in the ‘hood is apparently quite tedious at the moment: ‘Nice to meet you.  (Come on!  I’d remember if ‘I supplied coffee him digestives him showed me him damned special’.  I’m sure I would.) My weekend. friday date went belly up (There’s an image I can live without) saturday lazy day (tried to engage brain; unsuccessful) sunday iron (hold on, Sweetie… You ironNow we’re clicking) . 

 

And back to Friendly Skies Guy, or Unfriendly Skies, as the weather in Rede is decidedly stormy,  I got a text on Saturday full of fulsome apologies.  That was sort of familiar, too.  I dashed off a blistering reply that I didn’t appreciate a text in lieu of a phone call.  Well there are certainly no flies on his tush, or nose, or whatever. And zippo between his ears.   He texted back that he agreed with me.  A very big sigh here and shaking of head in disbelief.

 

I related the story to Booboo on the phone.  She is positively scary sometimes.  “Gottenu!” she said.  “It’s déjà vu all over again.  Maybe it’s something in the coffee they sell at Heathrow.  Should we notify the authorities?”

 

June 18

YES! MORE EMAILS FROM POF!

Those emails from More Bottom Feeders at POF are losing their luster and starting to bore me.  Pathetic is funny, sure, but it gets tedious after about the hundredth one.  I delete scads of them; they’re just so ‘more of the same shit’.

 

But here goes… the weekly winners.  Actually, losers, but you know what I mean. 

 

BlackKnight really upset me.  Not because his email was graphic and really filthy.  It was obviously a generic email he sends to anyone who is female.  It was because he said I was fat.  Sort of.  He wrote ‘i luv larger woman all shapes sises and ages expecillialy wit big boobs’.  Excuse me? Larger women?  I’ve had Uncle Guido on the Garden State whack guys for less.

 

I love men with brains bigger than their penises.  Boy, it sure is hard to find any.  But I’m sure you’ll find that incredibly old fat hag with expecillialy big boobs and no scruples whatsoever if you just keep looking.’

 

FunLovingMale37 sounded tempting (that is such a big lie):  im 6ft3 medium build light brown hair blue eyed soldier stationed down south but from grimsby. im funloving like trying new things like my f1 and motor sport enjoy a game of pool of ten pin bowling like to have adrink but mainly during he weekend. If you want to know more please ask me anything’

And his message: ‘Nice cleaveage’.

 

Dear FLM:  Wow!  f1.  motor sport.  Pool.  Ten pin bowling.  And a soldier!  (Do you wear a uniform?)  I am dying to know more.  Like what were you thinking?  Or why would I be even remotely interested?’

 

Petitenessbuttheassfat (I swear this is true – he’s a dead ringer for that guy who plays the captain on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (like… do you know Ice-T… like, personally?) and he wants to be some lucky lady’s ‘Night’. His profile: ‘Well a little about me.. I’m a little bit cheeky, a little bit naughty and a little bit bad! However I am on here to meet the “right” girls! So if you are respectfull, intelligent,fun and cheeky I wanna hear from you ;-p I play football for Athletic Worthing, were not great but we are definatly better since I signed for them! I like all kinds of music and I’m a great dancer…Kind of! I have tickets to go and see Michael Jackson on the 14th July! I’m originally from up North. I just changed jobs recently & I am currently considering applying for Fire & Rescue! However I have lots of dreams and aspirations, they seem to change more often than the weather! I am looking to meet new friends, I crave new adventure and really want to start trying new things! If that sounds like you,then hit me up!’

 

Gosh.  This is so tempting.  Michael Jackson tickets.  He might become a Fireman.  I’ve never dated a fireman.  He’s cheeky and naughty and bad.  Can a Jewish Dermatologist say that with a straight face?  And his email: ‘were u checking me out?’  Could this be Mr. Write, my Night in Shineing Armore finelly?

 

Oh, please.  ‘No, I most assuredly was not checking you out.’

 

AmericanChopper went for the sympathy vote with his profile:’ i am deaf (since birth) i can hear (with hearing aids) and i can talk and lipread well and i been living in west london since birth (22 years) i have adhd i love going out to different places and explore whats around and i would love to go aboard again, i like all types of music (except of classic heavy rock blues, opera) i am a romantic guy who will do anything for his partner and keep her happy much as he can, i only go for personality i do have a car but its off the road as it needs work done to it’

 

Aw gee!  His email: ‘are you looking for a good time in bed????or something’

 

‘Oh, Sweetie….  Or something.  And definitely not with you.’

 

Billy91 is Asian and blatantly states that he’s married.  ‘Hello I’m Billy. Discrete, adventurous even naughty on occasions !! and looking for a similar minded woman to enjoy and explore mutual pleasures and desires. I enjoy good food and drink and yes good … Very flexible . ‘   His email:  ‘Would you like to meet up for some fun????’  ‘I’m very rigid, especially where my standards are concerned. God, no!’

 

James73Yes is in the Royal Air Force, stationed in Belgium.  ‘You look gorgeous, hope you don’t mind a younger guy saying hi, but I just love au natural redheadsXXX’

 

Seriously, if I have to hop on the Eurostar to get shagged, why the hell wouldn’t I just stay on the bloody train ‘til Paris and find a French guy?  Use some logic here.

 

‘Nope, Flyboy.  ‘Hi’ is fine.  ‘Goodbye’ is even better.’

 

Klimteastwood says he’s sensitive, but pulls no punches in his profile.  ‘I enjoy a good laugh most of the time, but am also sensitive and sensual at heart. I respect people and expect the same in return. I am not after a permanent/heavy/serious/boring/angst-filled relationship.’

 

Well I’m glad you made that clear, Klim.  ‘It’s important to know exactly what the man expects in a relationship.  May I suggest a nice compliant blow up doll?  That way, there’s no pressure, except possibly on the doll’s seams.’

 

Goldenboy234 wants someone who’s going to last.  (Probably to help him with his spelling and grammar if he is ever forced to get a job.)  ‘23years old 6ft1inches tall,girls com n go bt i want some one who wants 2 stay 4 the future.i love football ,i love playing football as well am an asernal fan,am funny as well.’  And he’s funny; that is so crucial to a lasting relationship.

His email:  ‘am here,ar u alright sexy’

 

‘You’re there, so yeah, I guess I’m alright.  You might be here, and then I guess my answer would be different.’

 

This week, the coveted Turd of Camberley award goes to HeresTrouble!!  He sounded passable in his profile: ‘Its not as easy as putting pen to paper, how would one sell themselves??? its funny you can have a special person in your life someone you love but do not fancy. sex is an understatement, its good but should rule your life, its true if you put a pea in a jar for every time you got intamate for the first 6 months you would have it half full. for the rest of your life you took a pea out every time you got intimate you would never empty the jar. Beauty is skin deep as is the mind!!! what is the point of having an pretty woman by your side if you can not converse with her. women like men they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, some pleasing to the eye, some pleasing to the mind. The most important factor for a relationship is friendship, honesty, wit, mixed up with cuddles and kisses….(xxxx)’

 

Yeah, it didn’t make any sense to me either.  But he wrote me a poem:

 

I came and peeked and liked what i saw,
An attractive woman, someone to adore,
loved the profile it made me smile.
I hope your brave and text me back,
then I know i’m on the right track,
that smile so devilish those eyes devine,
woultn’t it be nice to share some wine.
if in fact you choose to decline.
I wish you luck and hope true love you find…Mike…x

 

I played it cool, sending a brief note thanking him for the poem.

 

His reply:  ‘mmm your making me all horny…how you feeling…xxxxxxxx’ 

 

Curses!  He must send that same banal poem to every female on the site.  At least he could fix all the spelling mistakes.  But I decided to answer him.

 

‘Oh dear.  Asshole Alert.  Let’s see… Turned off. Revolted. Disappointed. Bored. Where’s that damned thesaurus when you need it?’

 

Unbelievably, he replied, backtracking desperately (I guess the poem doesn’t work that well): ‘sorry like to shock i’m a nice man really honest….xxxxx’

 

So I decided to take the piss: ‘No problem. I write a popular blog and use all the trash I get from POF. And my traffic simply goes through the roof when it’s another ‘More Emails from Bottom Dwellers’ entry.  This week was a little exiguous; a deaf guy on a motorcycle, a black dude who wanted to be my ‘Night’, and then…YOUR’S!  A really big ‘Thanks’.  I just hate disappointing my readers.

 

Maybe he can’t read?  Or he wouldn’t know sarcasm if it jumped up and bit him on the tush.  ‘lol i’m a sweety really honest…….i appologise and send warm hugs…..you really seem like a nice girl and yes sexy……but i expect you already know that sweetheart….xxxxxxxx’

 

I guess it’s time to be more direct.  ‘I’m not the sort of woman you’re looking for. And you’re not even remotely what I’m looking for in a man.

A bit of unsolicited advice, Mike.  Try using a modicum of self control: refrain from the tacky sexual innuendos until the third or fourth email at least.

 

Oh… and correct the damned typos in your poem before you send it out again.’

 

Apparently Mike is living on a different astral plane than the rest of us.  His God makes men pigs and women desperate.  ‘ …..i’m sure you will find mr right…your a very attractive woman and also have a lovely mind…look after yourself god made you special….xxxxxxxx’

 

Duh!  I know that, Stupid!

 

June 24

CAN WE TALK?

God, I had this horrible nightmare.  I was in bed with this gorgeous 30 year old guy.  It was going absolutely brilliantly, except everything we said appeared on the ceiling in a dialogue cloud.  LongestCircumcisedDickinSurrey69 said: ‘U r so sesy hun!’ on my ceiling.  I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t get a tummy ache.  Then the idiot said: ‘Dew u no what i wanna dew 2 u now?”   I had peeked; I couldn’t help it.  I opened my eyes and read it. Big mistake.  “i fink u need 2 leav” I whispered onto the cloud and in his adorable ear (the one with the three piercings). Then, fortunately, I woke up before he could say another bloody word.

 

Yes…it’s time!  More emails from my overflowing in-box on POF.

 

A Special Mention this week to Herestrouble!!, last week’s Turd of Camberley Award winner.

 

I sent him the blog last week.  I thought he should know that he took top honors.  Apparently, this guy just can’t be insulted.  This week, he’s still trying to undo that first impression: ‘Hi thanks for the advice the other week, no fool like an old fool….but learn’t a great lesson….keep it up your a real sweetheart…mike…x’   I guess he’s hoping I’ll just overlook my second, third and fourth impressions, which were identical to the first.

 

And kudos to BoyToyinKent1502.  He actually read practically the whole damned blog and made some clever and astute comments.  He might be worth a second look.

 

MagicFingers777 is 54 and confesses ‘I really need a nice cuddle’.  Aw!  Was his mother mean to him?  Was he a ‘middle child’?  His email: ‘hiya hun great piccy xxxx’

 

 Okay.  What did this moron just say?  Yeah.  Yeah.  I got ‘hiya hun’.  I can now translate almost everything they write.  But what the hell is a ‘piccy’?  Is he referring to my boobs?  People talk about ‘pikeys’, at least that’s how I thought it was spelled.  But I’m from Philadelphia and I do not reside in a caravan, not even when I’m visiting the Garden State Parkway.

 

  Dear Magic (hey, do you play basketball? That would be such a coincidence!): Although I am Italian, I only speak English.  And that’s a problem, believe me, when the Consulate in London reaches out and touches me. I get so confused.  But I digress.

 

Your email confused me, too.  But I often am.  Confused, I mean.  I mean I am, if you know what I’m saying, all the time; I’m just confused about 75% of it.   What, pray tell, is a ‘piccy’?  What language are you speaking?’

 

Poor MagicFingers777’s fingers obviously lost their magic ability to type.  He didn’t reply.

 

Big_mo198 is 18.  That poor, poor child. ‘ i play cricket and have played it for 4 years. i enjoy having a social drink with friends but who doesn’t not realli into clubbing for some reason. im not only looing for relationships but also some fun if u want. i enjoy most music aswell but am open to listen listen to more kinds.’  And for a first date Big M threatens: ‘i would like to go out for a social drink and then go to yours or mine for some fun.’  

 

His email:  ‘hi im most probalby not what your looking for but i would love to be taght a thing or too by an oldy lady. maybe you could be the one xx’   And he sent me a cyber bouquet of flowers.

 

Of course I laughed.  I even read it to the postman who happened to turn up at that exact moment.  I suspect he just likes seeing me in my ‘jammies in the morning.

 

My reply:  ‘Thank you for the flowers, Sweetie.

 

I expect that I could teach you quite a few things.  Like spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

 

“Hi.  I’m probably not whom you’re looking for, but I would love to be taught a thing or two by an older lady.  Maybe you could be the one.”

 

And think about this:  your email is that all important ‘first impression’ ladies will remember about you.

 

Do you want them to think “This child cannot even write a coherent sentence; he’s probably lousy in the sack too”

 

Exactly.’

 

I just love it when they indignantly write back.  Biggie pondered long and hard on this gem: ahhh thank you for the english lesson. It will help me alot. would you like to teach me some other stuff other than the items you suggested. Xx’

 

‘Sure, little guy.  On offer this week: (a) Yiddish; (b) crocheting; (c) making gnocchi from scratch.’

 

TonyH is 28 and in the Army.  ‘hi ya my name is tony i am 28 yr old a single dad and love my son to bits he is my world and would do any thing for him i have been split from ex wife for over 3yrs now,i enjoy playin rugby and also love to watch it im a big Bath fan,but with my job i dont get to watch them as often as i would like to,if u would like to no more please ask.’

 

And his email: ‘Hiya hun wanna chat??????????????’

 

Really.  I can’t help all these guys.  I have responsibilities.  Okay, even if it’s just shopping, it’s a responsibility.

 

Dear Tony:  No.  PS  Just because you didn’t bother turning up too often, I hope you are actually sending your son to school.

 

  George0101 (that’s the number of years he completed at school) ‘: i like to think i am down to earth not with my head in the sky but what u see is what u get i am very out going and good laugh to be with like to make afuss of my i women? in all the right ways. i like most music from 60s to the 90s i dress very smart and wood like my partner to be the same.this is hard to talk about there is a lot more but i have gone brian dead //////////  (Brian’s dead? nobody even told me he was sick!)

 

And on a first date: ‘wood like to go four a meal and wine and talk; to get to no each over.like to see if we have the same out look on life? i liketo go places i go on hoilday three times a year.’

 

George’s classy invitation:  ‘hi lets meet 4 coffee and chat and see where it gos……….george’

 

George, you really, really pissed me off. 

 

‘Um…George?  I thought you wood like to go four a meal and wine and talk on the first, oh-so-important date .  If ‘talk’ is what guys like you euphemistically refer to it as these days.  How come you wood only like to meet me 4 coffee?  Am i two cheep and not good enuf to bye food 4?’

 

Parker6969’s profile didn’t sound too awful:  ‘A Parker (not the nosey kind )Looking for an Un-Shockable Lady Penelope to wait on hand & foot & pamper please Endlessly LOL Within reason – Professional – No Life (ouch) – Well educated – Articulate – A Good Orator !! – Clumsy – Fit ish – Wicked and twisted sense of humour………Pleasant and good mannered – bit of a gent at heart (The Times and a Carnation given half a chance – LOL)’
Oh…but the email – ‘Your Soooo Yummmmy I could eat you xxxx  YOUR PICs wow so sexy xxxx  love TO BE YOUR PRIVATE STRIPPER / MASSEUR ANYTIME – now? LOL I would love to chat with you or cam if you have an MSN or Yahoo addy?? xxx I would love to tease and chat with you angel’

 

Bye-bye, Parker.  Delete!

 

Bigdikkfunnyguy has found the time to get a lot of tattoos in 31 years.  Maybe he started when he was five.  His profile: ‘gosh what do you wana know..just hit me up for a msg,and il be happy to reply i can say im a great guy,love to have a laugh,hate fakes…..love to joke around, i can be naughty,i can be playful,i can be very tempting.lol

And for the first date:  ‘if i told that wouldnt be a suprise.but i could say you would be impressed ‘  I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess the surprise.  He’s really a Dermatologist!  And he’s Jewish!  No.  Probably not what he meant.

 

His email was rather disappointing.  I guess I expected someone with a man muscle that big to…  Forget it.  ‘lovely pics..lovely smile.hehe’

 

And the Turd of Camberley Award this week goes to Olover.  I think perhaps even the actual Turd of Camberley, for whom the award is fondly named, would be in awe of O’s style and fabrication talents.

 

I was waiting for BooBoo to go shopping and, I confess, I got into a little war of words with O, until I got bored and blocked him from emailing me ever again.

 

His profile: ‘hi there im danny hello 2 all, ok bit bout me im tall well over six foot,blonde green eyes stocky muscular build,gsoh fun kind caring   passionate,romantic,got many ints,play the sax and guitar,im also qualified tattooist and piercist,so any lady brave enough im ur man .i love romantic times soft music candle lit meals cuddles holding hands etc also love hols,love maldives dubai and goa so need a lady 2 take and lie on a white beach together i also got bikes and horses so need a pillion i also play rugby so got rugger player bod; but not a broken nose lol’and sorry not got photo up, me and computers arggghhhhh but i got web cam if u want see me but i not 1 these sit naked lol i also do martial arts run my own classes’ 

 

His email: ‘g morning im danny how u ? please get in touch b nice to get 2 know u,and u never know i may take ur fancy’

 

Not too dreadful, I realize, but tattoos, piercings, bikes & horses, the beach?  I hate the beach. 

 

I thought I was polite: ‘No, I don’t think so. But thank you for asking.’

 

Back came an immediate response.  Crap!  I hate when they can’t take a simple ‘no, not if you were the last man left on earth’.  And I so dislike men who whine. ‘sou can tell by my pfofile god ur good’   I believe what O was attempting to say was ‘So, you can tell by my profile.  God, you’re good.’  (I realize you readers don’t all fluently speak cyber-gibberish yet.)

 

Oh my.  No more nice Jewish American Princess.  ‘No, I can tell by your emails. You can’t write an intelligible, grammatical sentence.  I’m looking for someone with whom I can converse and share interests. I find tattoos and body-piercing disgusting. I certainly wish you well, and meant no offence, but I am realistic and I have extremely high standards.’

 

Poor O.  He so wanted the last word.  ‘lol well i went to oxford and studied b a lawyer and got my qualifications spent 7 years guts hospital london, b 4 joining marines and i not being funny but i not the 1 got a piccy on showing her bra off to try look sexy but i fact looking lke Frodo’

 

Shit!  Frodo?  I look like Frodo?  My goddamned ears aren’t pointy.  Well he must be a huge fan. Did he expect me to escort him on a little jaunt from Middle Earth to Mordor and drop my diamonds in the fire at Mt. Doom before he commemorated the event with a tasteful tattoo on my tushie? 

 

But gee, he went to Oxford.  Wait just a minute! When did they lower their standards?  Maybe after Bill Clinton spent a year or two there? How could I have missed that he’s an Oxford man?   Oh.  O was a lawyer, but then he became a marine.  That explains a lot.  Seriously, would you trust him?  He can kill you … or sue you.

 

It’s not a bra; it’s a bathing suit.  It says so right on the picture. 

 

‘This has been fun on a morning where the writing isn’t flowing…

Because the stupid suggestions advised a ‘picture to generate interest’.

Because I thought I looked cute in it; I hate pictures of me usually (although, I must admit, Frodo is a new one; usually I get Alfred E. Newmann or Ted Kopel).

Because I thought men who have a brain as well as a penis would take the time to read the profile and discern that I am for real.

Because I did not realize that Armageddon is upon us and the rules have changed and nobody told me. I guess I was too busy being married and having a normal life.

Because I naively expect the best from people, not the worst.’

 

As a point of information, the emails I share are all real, just the way they showed up on my account at POF.  I just cut and paste them into the blog in all their glory.  And the screen names are real, too.

 

June 30

THE MAILBAG

Somebody on the Garden State actually had the nerve to say that the POF blogs are better than my regular ones.  Like…  stupid twats are more interesting than my clothes and my social life?

 

Never mind.  That couldn’t be.  Drum roll, please.  This week’s seekers of Jeano’s radiance.

 

Dreamweaver456 is 21 and lists his occupation as ‘thrillseeker’ and his sole hobbies & interests as ‘fun loving women’.  I didn’t realize not all women like ‘fun’.  I sure do.  Just put me in a Bloomies or a Century21 and I can have fun for hours.  Days.  Weeks.  His email was succinct: ‘gorgeous pic xxxx’  There are four bloody pictures on there and I’m dressed in all of them.  I swear.

 

‘Dear Dream – Tell me the truth.  When you saw my picture, did you unwittingly start reciting ‘one ring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them’?  If not, then could ya email Olover@pof and tell him he’s a dickweed?  Thanks a whole bunch, Sweetie!’

 

Fitnessinst is a Dentist. Okay.  He’s a fitness instructor, but dentist sounded funnier.   He says: ‘Hi im a geniune guy looking to chat and then meet up and take it from there basically. I love goin away on holidays and also i love goin out whether its clubbing or for a meal and the pub.  I love reggae music and rnb. I love goin gym and i also like playing rugby which is my fav sport.’  And he promises the first date will be a ‘surprize’.  His email: ‘hi hun howz u’  Well, hell.  He spoiled the ‘surprize’.  I just assumed he was dumb; now I’m absolutely certain.

 

I know that I’m fussy and a bit of a snob, but SmallBoobsOnly left me speechless.  ‘A lawyer living in NW London and working in the West End into boats,holidays,and slim women with small, waists, hips etc. (ideally size 6 8 or 10)  not alcholics or druggies. She must be intelligent, tactile, affectionate and with a touch of class willing, if necessary, to travel to London.  I am looking for somebody with whom I can share good humoured conversation, debate, culture, a glass or two of good wine, laughs and new challenges and adventures and experiences. Somebody who is fun, opinionated, generous of heart, caring and loving, confident, interacts and communicates, but lets her guard down now and then and will truly bond with passion and love to create a partnership that will last for ever. She needs to be sexy, attractive and wear great clothes.’   His email: ‘I think we could connect on many different levels’.

 

Golly.  This is tough.  Okay.  ‘Sexy’.  Check.  ‘Attractive’. Check.  ‘Wear great clothes’.  I have so nailed this one!  MegaCheck.  My boobs are small.  Many… some… a few of my clothes are size 10.  Whew!  I was worried.

 

My email:  ‘Sorry but only a Jewish Dermatologist called Dr. Wolf Saperstein can get away with requirements like yours. And only if the rock is at least 10 carats.’

 

Igniton1979 (do you suppose he meant ‘ignition’ but didn’t know how to spell it?)  had a pretty boring profile but for the first date he thought we should meet ‘some place where we could be ‘ourselfs’.  He wants to meet on the third floor at Bloomingdales?  Okay.  If you’re sure.  And his gem: : ‘wow and wow again ,you are livinmg proof that britian has got talent’

 

Oh come on.  I had to‘Maybe it does, but I wouldn’t know.  I’m an Italian citizen.”

 

Francis988 is 26.  His interests are going out with his mates, football and the gym.   And his profile: ‘looking for a bit of fun, meet up see what happens have a laugh, make friends. Interests including going out with mates drinking, training at the gym, footy and usual stuff.’  In case you didn’t understand it the first time.  Oh!  Do you like football, the gym and going out with your mates?  I never even consider a man who doesn’t absolutely live for those.  And for the first date: ‘see what happens’   Yeah; that works for me.  How about ‘not showing up?’   His missive: ‘hope you’re having a good weekend so far – what are your plans for today? im in basingstoke so not far!  danny x

 

‘Actually it is….light years away.

 

 Let’s see… My plans today:  (1) training at the gym; (2) footy (I’m doing the entire Tottenham Spurs team today including the water boys); (3) hanging at the pub drinking with my mates.  Just an ordinary boring Sunday for me, I’m afraid. 

 

You?  Discovering a cure for cancer?  Negotiating a peace treaty in Gaza?  Protesting human rights violations in Sri Lanka? Oh. The gym.  Footie. Drinking with your mates.  Quell surprise!’

 

SanaG007 lists his interests as ‘looking for women’.  In fact, that is all his profile says.  He got around filling in the various sections by just typing xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx endlessly.  ‘hi good looking nice pics. i would love to get to know u better .xx im 25’

My answer:  ‘Hi, Little Boy.  Funny.  I wouldn’t like to get to know you… at all.’

 

1sexi1 says among the other inane comments in his profile that ‘im whitty’   He says his interests are sports, socializing and women.  Is it just me, or do you see a pattern here?  Of course, when he reaches the ripe old age of 22, perhaps he’ll expand those interests to include world hunger, global warming and hip hop music.  He cautions female POF-ers  in his about me section: ‘If you view my profile.. Message me, don’t be shy, or else I’ll think you viewed me and didn’t like, You don’t want to upset me now , do you .. ? :P’   His email: ‘ur sexy xxx’   I didn’t think it was possible to ever get tired of hearing a man say that.  Take my word for it; I am.

 

Since 1sexi1 is so whitty, I’m sure he got a chuckle out of my clever, satirical reposte.  ‘I viewed your profile.  I didn’t like.  Sorry you’re now desperately upset.’

 

Laira1943 is 29.  He claims his interests are ‘all sorts’ which I believe is a candy.  He couldn’t come up with anything to put for a first date.  I guess he got brain overload writing his about me section:  ‘hello one and all just looking for good friends to chat to and maybe one day to hock up for a laugh and for a drink and maybe for the odd get together and some were or over sometime hope to talk soon’

Jesus Wept!  His email: ‘hi ya wow what can i say but what a wonderful woman you have lovely eyes and a lovely smile
i am peter 30 from hounslow in middlesex i am single and i am on herer looking for new friernds and maybe to find that special someone could it be you theres me wishing lol. i like most things in life i love my music and i love a good film. i like going out doing bowling, ice skating and yes im ok on skates as i have my own lol, i like going to the cinemas and the usual stuff i am quiet happy staying in and cooking a meal for my family or even taking my lady out for a meal at a local restrauant and a quiet drink.  i like to go for drives and walks in the country and i like going for walks in the woods and i would love to go for a walk by the seaside on a summers sunset with the lady i love in my arms.
not sure what else to say apart from if you fancy a chat then message me back here hope to hear from you soon all the best and take care
peter xxxx’

 

Um…Sweetie.  Did you get confused?  Don’t be embarrassed; it happens to us all.  And some more than others.  That part where it said ‘profile’?  That’s where you were supposed to put the long, rambling dissertation.  That little part that started ‘hello’ should have been the email.  Get it now?

 

My reply:  ‘Sweetie…Sweetie… Sweetie…  I seem to have gone off ‘Peters’ for the foreseeable future. 

 

I never say this….

 

Can I please, please, please rewrite your bloody profile?  And send you a few sample emails (25 crisp, concise, evocative words or less) to use in future?’

 

And the Turd of Camberley award winner this week is Duranz.  The good news is he’s a doctor (he didn’t say what kind).  The crappy news is he’s 28 and Indian.  A profile from a doctor: ‘well…i am just here to look for someone interesting. thatz about. I live and work in london. been pretty busy…the usual work week….and weekends..thatz abt it. just wanted to break all the monotony. anyway yup. love indie uk bands…thatz it.’  I swear on my Paulies and SmallBoobsOnly’s Ralph Lauren’s that I didn’t make that up. 

 

His email, though, was magic to my ears… eyes… parts of me.  ‘‘Shalom.  I matriculated at Johns Hopkins in Balty and did my internship and residency at Sloan-Kettering in the Big Apple whilst simultaneously revising for my Bar Mitzvah at Rodeph Zion Yeshiva.‘

 

Oh, for fuck’s sake!  Of course I made that up.  What he actually said was: ‘so ure a writer????’

 

I almost felt bad.  My reply:  ‘Yesz I am.  So ure a doctor??? r u shurez???”

 

July 02

AND EVEN MORE MAIL…

I know I shouldn’t spoil you; blogs don’t just appear out of thin air because you wished upon a star and you’re dying to read the next installment.  This has been a very busy week in my real life, and on POF.  But I was ‘In the Zone’ writing an email blast on ‘optimal values achieved from IT projects’ and I thought ‘this reminds me of some of those wankers who emailed this week…’

 

So here goes.  This was such a banner crop, I simply couldn’t settle on one to win the prestigious Turd of Camberley award this week.  I guess they’re all really ‘winners’.

 

GetCarter1962 is just looking for encounters with woman. ‘,,,meets,,,more n more,,,dont care if u smoke as long as its very light,,,build dont care,,,,bring it on oh! by the way if you keep on looking at my profile ,,message me ,, dont bite! wine and dinner are sometimes included lol ‘

 

So many guys; so little time (what with shopping, who has time for ‘meets’).

 

‘PeanutGuy – Such a relief!  Wine and dinner are a welcome bonus to you but really not necessary, as long as I can fire up a Marlboro afterwards.’

 

BabyFaceJay is 5’6” and 26; his waist is 46 and his IQ is 66  – Yo Hello my Earthlings! lol x well I’m Jay, I’m 25 yrs old and my nicknames > babyface snoop° partly because I make music, write songs – R&B and other mixure’s… Produce movies to DVD – HD – blue-ray etc… I used to be a hair stylist but I felt like having a chance into doing some think more fun and practical so now I work self employed – repairing gadgets, phones, computers etc. . .
I’m mixed race, brown eyes, black funky hair, I’ve got my eye brow pierced with a hoop and my ears pierced. I’m a vegetarian and have been all my life!! might be why I’ve still got that baby face at 25 rarrr x
I’d describe myself as a genuine – down to earth – intelligent – kind – caring – honest – easy going – affectionate – fun loving – naughty but nice 😉
I’m into movies, music, dancing, ufology – astronomy, cinerma, fun nights out, fun nights staying in,
just like having good fun times in life – go with the flow

I’m looking to meet a Intelligent, good personality, easy going, honest, kind, caring, fun loving girl, who likes lots of cuddles kisses, hot loving, watching movies together, cinerma, bowling etc. . . . good times out, fun nights staying in and seeing different places….

No one is perfect not even me! but I’m just beginning honest here so I have to say this one thing: If you’re the type of person who’s b*tchy, moody, aggressive, paranoid, very controlling, player, can’t put in no time and In 2 different minds all the time ( 1 minute nice – next minute nasty ) then dont contact me please!! because I don’t need a mentally ill moody girl in my life! 


I know it sounds harsh but you know it’s true x I know none of you girls would want someone like that because it’s not kool. . . If I’ve offended anyone then i’m sorry!’

 

And for the first date, Baby has come up with a novel idea: ‘do somethin fun’  Talking to Baby would probably be enough fun to last anyone a lifetime.

 

His email:  ‘how r u?  sexy’   I know; it drives me up the wall too.  Did he mean ‘how r u, sexy?’ or ‘ how r u? U r sexy’?  I wish they could be a little clearer. 

 

Dyin4abit lives in Horney-in-the-Sac, UK or so he claims.   I couldn’t find it on MapQuest.  ‘would like some sexy emails to spice up my life
my wife hates sex and im fed up. just need some fun the saucier the better.  i got deleted for some reason if we spoke before re add me to faves its depressing starting on here again..ive managed to keep the same username. had loads of favourites. x love tattoed boobs and naughtyness’

 

I wonder why he got kicked off the site.  He just wants some penpals.  I had a penpal when I was ten.  She lived in France.  She did not expect ‘benefits’ or pictures of me without my clothes.

 

Anyway, FreakGuy’s email was actually too graphic to reproduce.  It was all about…  Use your imagination.  And your ‘inside voice’ when you go ‘Eew!’.

 

GreenMark has a partner but:  ‘on here looking for that little extra fun in my life,not after marriage justfun fun fun with like minded lady or 2,lol.I can hold a good conversation on most subjects and have avery broad minded out klook on life’.  His interests include ‘reading, nature, sport and oral sex’.

His email: ‘shokced when i saw your phoot thought you was in mid 20’s not 50 your weell fit and tasty love mark xxx ‘

 

My email: ‘Shocked when I read your profile, followed by that truly pathetic email.  You’re disgusting.’

 

Art Lover’s profile was a work of art.  Hello my name is Guarionex, but my friends just call me Guario. I am a down-to-earth life long New Yorker, a Hispanic-American (English is my first language (speak Spanish poorly)). I am not the party animal type and hate games. I’ve worn nice suits, but prefer jeans. I have a master in sociology, but make my living in art.

I consider myself an artist and absolutely LOVE art, especially fine art abstract photography…have had gallery shows, been in magazines, in many collections, all over the net, etc. I work long hours on my art and it becomes hard to meet a nice lady. A lady who will respond when, for no reason, I suddenly hold her hand and also understand that, at times, I will need a little space. A woman who knows that a pair consist of two ones. I feel a good relationship begins with honest conversation from both sides; a solid friendship is the best foundation. Along with art I also like history. My TV viewing consists mostly of PBS.

Keeping it real I must state that I’m a smoker and have been separated for nearly four years now. I would like to find someone that is an artist or, at least, into the arts.

Ladies, one small request please have a RECENT photo of your self. Most of you state you are looking for an honest gentleman, honesty starts with your photo.

 

And for the first date: What I would most seek in a first date is Truth, for it will be the foundation on to which we can build. Perhaps we would build a house of Friendship, perhaps a cottage of love, perhaps both … but truth is the required tool in the building.

A small meeting in a coffee shop, a walk in Central Park … a quiet, small “getting to know you” moment. It does matter what you wear, but want you say and, just as important, what you think.’

 

 His email was a poem:

‘A woman walks down a street
And the guys on the corner stop
Stop working
Stop talking
Their bodies still
Their eyes darting
And when she has passed
They say
“did you see that?
She’s hot,
very hot”

After seeing your photos, hot is too cold a word. ‘

 

Wow!  This guy sounds hot!  I want to build a cottage of love!  I have some cute painters overalls that I hardly ever wear.  Let my fingers do the walking and email him back pronto.  Coffee sounds nice…  Wait a minute!!! In Central Park?  Isn’t that, like, in New York?  He must have meant Hyde Park.  Silly Guario.  Nope.  He lives in New York.  Maybe he doesn’t speak English as well as he thinks.  Maybe they didn’t offer ‘World Geography’ as an elective while he was getting that Master’s Degree.

 

‘Dear Artie – When do you arrive in England?  I need to clear my diary and hit the DIY.’

 

BathToy is interviewing for the coveted slot of his mistress.  I confess.  I have been very bad and have led him on.  As with all the cheaters on the site, he doesn’t have a picture up.  His profile says: ‘In a long term relationship, that has got mundane and boring but I don’t want to end it. I want to find a new playmate to put a bit of sparkle in both our lives. Don’t want to wreck any relationships. Someone with time during the day would be ideal, evenings are difficult for me although not totally impossible, and a place to be alone together occasionally would be a bonus just in case there’s a spark, but again, not strictly necessary though. I’m tall, and fairly good looking, even sexy!! (I’m told) but you’d have to judge for yourself on that one…lol. Your age, build & looks etc. are not important to me as long as you have a personality. I’m good company with a irreverent sense of humour and well mannered. I’m also very discrete (would expect the same from you).’   As everyone knows, I am the soul of discretion.  Oh, so what? 

 

Mike, is that you again?  Wow!  That ‘Writing Skills for Bottom Feeders’ I picked up for 2 quid at Sam and sent you really helped. A lot.  I sure hope Karen doesn’t open your mail!  Glad to see you specified that ‘evenings are difficult’ part and a masterful stroke hinting that she’d better have her own place ‘cause you’re not about to pop for even a ‘By the Hour’ Motel, let alone a meal.  And ‘mundane’ and ‘boring’ sounds way better than ‘clinically depressed and not giving me any nooky’’.  That bullshit about the ‘personality’ was a tad overdone, though.  You guys all say that on here.  Except for SmallBoobsOnly, and, seriously, how many shags is he scoring?  Anyway, Sweetie, B+!   PS When did you move to Guildford?

 

BathToy is hoping to come over and ‘interview me’ next week.  HaHaHaHaHa!

 

Ra.om is my first guy of ‘that persuasion’.  He’s from Amman, but actually most of the people in England are, in fact, Arabs, so it was only a matter of time. ‘Im just nice caring and pasinate guy straight ,i have many friends and i like to spend time with them if i have that time..lol
romantic if there r girl worth that and i think all ppl nice if u have that pure heart and mind.’
  I hate when they start that ‘pure heart and mind’ crap.  My heart and mind are fine… just the way they are.

 

His email: ‘hello how r u? u look so cute’

 

‘Dear Ramah-ramah Ding Dong – I may look ‘cute’ but I must confess.  Not a virgin.  Gave that slice of heaven up many Ramadans ago after a Grateful Dead concert in Cambridge.  It seemed like a fine idea at the time.   (The one in Massachusetts; yeah, I’m a card carrying member of that Evil Empire …and I’m Jewish, too .  Gee. It’s really not your day, huh, Mustapha?)  So I guess I can’t be waiting for you after you blow up Westminster Abbey or Big Ben and yourself. Shalom.’

 

Dins1960 is ‘looking for a beautiful sexy lady’.  Yeah, well I’m looking for a Jewish Cardiologist named Wolfie.  Everybody’s looking for something.  It’s a fucking epidemic.  And Dins is…how can I say this nicely… U. G. L. Y.

 

I m a fun loving guy, just out for a good time. Still like clubbing and enjoying life!!! Varied taste in music. I m a nutter! Want to be a millionaire!!!
Want to travel the world! Would enjoy sitting in with a beautiful lady with a good dvd and a nice bottle of wine’ 
And for the first date: ‘Take you to the moon and back!!!’

 

Sure.  And you’ll probably expect me to handle the tickets and passports and stuff ‘cause I used to be a tour escort.  And I’ve probably been to the moon already.  Maybe that crazy trip to Austria.  I didn’t remember being in Innsbruck until I saw Lisa’s pictures.  We could have made a pit stop on the Moon.

 

Astronaut Guy likes outer space so much, his email carried on with that theme: ‘Would like to take you to the stars and watch you explode’

 

Gee, thanks.  Did you have to pick a Black Hole or Super Nova?  Couldn’t we just go to Orion?

 

‘Why don’t you go first?  On a one-way ticket.’ 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: