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All posts for the month October, 2013

THE TURD OF CAMBERLEY REDUX

Published October 8, 2013 by jean cohen

I get lots of emails from folks who still read my blog.

I know; I’m not writing much anymore. But I sort of ran out of things to say. I live in England. Big deal. It’s my life.

Most people who write are seeking advice on Italian citizenship. Fair enough. I certainly class myself as an expert on that subject. A few are old friends, and, occasionally, I hear from an alien with too much time on their tentacles.

But this one’s got to be shared. It’s a Blast from the Past.

By far, the blogs relating to the Turd of Camberley were the most read and popular. They were pretty damned funny, too.

Just to recap briefly, I met Mike on a dating site. (Needless to say, I don’t ever go on dating sites any more.) Succinctly, he was a shit. Hence the sobriquet ‘Turd of Camberley’. I met three of his other conquests and we became the Witches of Meadway. Time, distance and different lives meant that we didn’t become best friends, but we’d always have The Turd in common.

This morning I heard from a new one.

She wrote: “Hi. You are Jean of the brilliant waspish Turd of Camberley blogs.” Yeah, that’s me. (modestly.)

If you need to refresh your memories, or catch up on the story, here are the blog dates: Feb. 25, 2009; February 28, 2009; March 2, 2009; March 3, 2009; March 9, 2009; March 14, 2009; March 26, 2009; Jan. 24, 2010; Mar. 10, 2010; July 18, 2010.

“ I wish I had read your blog earlier to have realised how right you were about Mike M. He is now on a site called Illicit Encounters.”

Seriously? ’Illicit Encounters’??? There are sites for that? Who knew?

Yeah. Of course, I hot fingered onto Illicit Encounters, which purports to be The UK’s Largest Married Dating Site; A discreet and confidential extra marital affairs dating service for women and men’ and surfed through a couple hundred pervy profiles to find his.

Oh. The Turd is still on a quest to ‘Rediscover Romance, Passion and Adventure”. Gee. I know of at least four women (not including me) that he had that stuff with.

“He is cheating successfully again on a really decent, good woman who deserves better.”

That’s sad, and I truly feel sorry for her.

Whynot 53’s profile is a work of Booker Prize calibre fiction. Honestly, if I wrote that well, my novel would have probably gotten published.

Here’s how he describes himself:

Laid back, easy going, open minded, honest as possible, non judgmental, erudite, eclectic, generous hearted, romantic, polite, well spoken,interested in life, adventurous, sensual.
These are all things that I consider myself and value in others.I have a good sense of humour, don’t take my self too seriously and like to laugh at the absurdities of life but can be serious minded when needed.
I have lived a full life and with a wide variety of interests. Good company but enjoy quiet times too. Like to watch the world go by and also be part of the world. Enjoy good food wine and the Arts but happy with a couple of pints, take-away and a dvd.

Hmm. I know several women who might disagree with those sterling adjectives.

And these are his interests:

Nature, Arts / Crafts, Museums / Galleries, Gardening, Music – Classical / Opera, Music – Blues/Jazz, Music – Pop / R&B, Music – Rock, Music – World, Literature / History, Football / Soccer / Rugby, Golf, Sailing / Boating, Water Sports, Theatre / Ballet, Travel / Sightseeing, Cooking, Food and Wine.

Oh, please. He’s interested in sex. Just sex. At your house so he doesn’t have to take you out.

He’s looking for a ‘Lady’ between 30 and 99. On a site called Illicit Encounters? If there are any 90-ish ladies on that site, they should rename it ‘You Go, Great Grandma!’

Colour, creed, background, looks etc are of no significance but a good sense of humour is. I’m not looking to rock boats neither am I looking for a partner/wife. Just some one who appreciates quality time in and out of the bedroom. Good conversation, shared laughter, relaxed times. Hopefully this all makes sense. Thankyou for reading my profile and look forward to hearing from and I hope, meeting you. If you are out there.

If you are out there? Cue the ‘The Love Theme from Romeo and Juliette’ or whatever.

He goes on to describe himself.

I am about 6’2" and weigh about 14 stone….ex rugby player but still quite fit, blue eyes,full head of brown hair, I wear glasses or contact lenses.I tend to dress casually but happy to don suits, ties, DJ, as befits the occasion. Even a kilt! (I am a Scot by birth…though have a very English accent).

I got a picture (in a frame) of Turd in his kilt for Christmas. That should have been a big red flag.

I guess the point is…well, there are actually two points.

First, Ladies, be careful on Dating Sites. The Turd isn’t the only sociopath out there in Cyberland. Logically, if a guy is so great, he wouldn’t need a dating site if he was looking for a real relationship. There are enough of us single women out there that he’d be spoiled for choice.

And secondly, while the Turd of Camberley is very old business, Evil Jeano (my alter ego) can’t resist any opportunity to possibly embarrass and definitely mock him.

If it saves some nice woman from getting hurt, that’s a bonus.

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